Aquarius (21 January – 19 February)
In the new year, you resolve to set aside your artistic hobbies and finally get serious about money. Like, really serious. You begin drawing solemn portraits of coins standing beside public fountains, looking gravely upon the drowned. You photograph old nickels, grimy and oxidized, forsaken beneath couch cushions. You tell the stories of two-dollar bills, ghettoized in strip-club ATMs—or else preserved in wallets but out of circulation, paroled from their tantalizing prisons only for the amusement of children. You write letters to your congressperson advocating for the right of pennies to exist. Nobody is more serious about money than you.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March)
Your worst fears about air travel are finally realized when, to dull your fear of flying, you down three G & T’s before takeoff, and spend the balance of the flight in the thrall of the SkyMall catalog. Enabled by the in-flight wi-fi, you bankrupt your family on slankets, balloon chairs, fully operational British telephone booths, and life-sized statues of Egyptian pharoah-gods. All sales are final. Airplanes are deathtraps.
Aries (21 March – 20 April)
Bank error in your favor! Collect $15 and proceed to nearest unclaimed utility.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May)
A good entrepreneur knows when to let go of a bad idea. You fold plans to develop a series of lifehacking mobile apps, and instead double down on your Web 1.0 superhero comic, The Adventures of InstallShield Wizard. The future is the past!
Gemini (22 May – 21 June)
You identify a perfect moment to use the phrase L’esprit de l’escalier, but not until it’s too late.
Cancer (22 June – 22 July)
You decide that your best hope at getting rich is by scamming your insurance company. You build a dummy in your likeness and, in full view of your loved ones, hurl it off a bridge into a shipping channel. The police department drags the channel and recovers the dummy, which is damaged beyond repair, and informs your family and friends that you have not, in fact, perished. You nevertheless receive a major payout, having insured the dummy for millions.
Leo (23 July – 22 August)
Bank error in someone else’s favor! Lose pension and proceed to nearest unemployment office.
Virgo (23 August – 23 September)
You begin to suspect that Trevor is reading your e-mail. Desperate to confirm your suspicions, you begin e-mailing various contacts with unflattering secrets about Trevor, to see if Trevor says anything. He does not. So you send more e-mails, this time threatening Trevor and outlining detailed kidnapping scenarios. When Trevor still says nothing, you kidnap him, tie him up in the basement, and scream at him to admit that he has been reading your e-mail. The subsequent court trial is swift, thanks in large part to the overwhelming evidence of malice aforethought seized in discovery by a prosecutor appointed to represent Trevor, who, being a cat, cannot read.
Libra (24 September – 23 October)
If you’re running a small business, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting higher profit margins. Time to rework the warranty agreement on your artisanal sandcastles.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November)
If you see something, say something. Orally catalog everything you observe. Ominous shapes in your latte foam? Point them out! Ugly baby in the supermarket? Remark on it! House with tasteless lawn furniture? Twitpic! You never know what details might be important, so better to say something about everything you see, in the name of caution. Thank you for your service.
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December)
Successful investing is all about learning to ignore impulses. You can hone your discipline by declining to sneeze for progressively longer periods of time. Tie a rubber band around your wrist. When you feel like sneezing, remove the rubber band and snap it on the face of your firstborn. Feel bad? Think how you’d feel if you fucked up his college fund by cashing out a stock early. Once you have attained five years without sneezing, you are ready to invest!
Capricorn (22 December – 20 January)
They say adulthood is about compromise, but who says you can’t have it all? You buy a house in an up-and-coming neighborhood and replace all the floors with trampolines. American dream, motherfuckers.
Steve Kolowich is a willing but deeply confused citizen of the internet. His work has appeared in various publications and will probably never disappear. You can follow him on Twitter @stevekolowich, and you can also follow him in real life—if you can figure out where he lives, which wouldn't be that hard.