Aquarius (21 January – 19 February)
A Girls think-piece on Thought Catalog is your Ragnorak.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March)
Listen up, Pisces. You know that little voice in the back of your head? The one that tells you that, if you keep chugging away and working hard, it’ll pay off someday? That you should put a little bit of money from your last paycheck into your savings account, because you aspire to be a homeowner and that’ll never happen if you’re blowing all your dough on a prop sword from the movie Gymkata? That you should maybe slow down on the booze tonight because the last time you opted for a third shot of Powers, you woke up with multiple unexplained lacerations on a stranger’s floor? You know that voice that I’m talking about, right? His name is Dave and you should really take him out for a beer one day, he’s an unpaid intern.
Aries (21 March – 20 April)
Stay away from 7-11 on Tuesday. Sweet Christ, stay the fuck away from 7-11.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May)
After a bizarre sex scandal involving Jamie Lee Curtis, Journey singer Arnel Pineda, and a metric ton of Activia yogurt, the band ousts Arnel and begins a worldwide search for a new singer. This is your moment, Taurus. I’m not saying that Neal Schon will definitely show up to karaoke night at Duffy’s this week, but I’m not ruling it out either. All I can say is don’t stop believing, Taurus. Hold on to that feeling.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June)
Congratulations, Gemini! You will get a raise this week! No, you will not make more money at work—rather, at your boss’s daughter’s Bat Mitzvah, some distant cousins of the family will get too drunk, think you’re someone else, and hoist you up on the Hora Chair.
Cancer (22 June – 22 July)
Contrary to what scientists say, Brood II cicadas will begin emerging every month instead of every seventeen years. But it’s cool because they only attack ugly people, and you, Cancer, are beautiful. Inside and out.
Leo (23 July – 22 August)
Second star to the right and straight on ‘til morning. That’s where the liquor store open until 1 a.m. is located.
Virgo (23 August – 23 September)
This is it, Virgo. The month you finally join a gym and start shedding some weight. Look, you’re not fat, Virgo—no, not at all—but, like, you could definitely stand to lose about twenty pounds. And maybe start eating better, too. No, no, I’m not saying you eat bad, per se, but maybe cut back on the volume of what you eat. It’s all about portion control, you know? One serving of spaghetti is the size of your fist, did you know that? Look, it’s fine to have Chipotle every once in a while, but maybe not twice a week. You should definitely be cooking more. It’s healthier and it’ll save you money. I’ve got this great recipe for a Greek Quinoa Bake that I can send you if you’d like. It’s pretty easy to make and it’s healthy. Your father and I are just concerned about you, is all.
Libra (24 September – 23 October)
“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me,” the saying goes. But if you get fooled three times, Libra, that’s grounds to go full-Oldboy-style revenge on someone’s ass.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November)
You will wake up in a cold sweat one night this week, fearfully trembling from a disturbing and horrifying nightmare: A worldwide shortage of Totino’s Pizza Rolls! What happened? A crazed cult has hijacked the world’s supply to use in a sacred ceremony welcoming the next Harvest, which will bring about the end of times. This is no dream—it’s a prophecy. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn, Scorpio.
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December)
Wednesday is just ‘ugh’ this week. Skip it.
Capricorn (22 December – 20 January)
Free band name: Alien vs. Predator vs. Brown vs. Board of Education.
Matt Cohen is a real life human being who writes things for various websites, newspapers, and magazines. Mostly about film, music, and musings on pop culture. You can follow him on Twitter at @Matt_D_Cohen, but you'll probably be disappointed. Just sayin'.