Aquarius (21 January – 19 February)
The ice storms are over, but that doesn’t mean you’re out of the woods, Aquarius. Put on pants when you’re out in the snow this week. Just because the weather’s not on the news doesn’t mean you can expose yourself.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March)
There’s a drought in California. Don’t take showers, don’t take baths, don’t flush the toilet, and don’t drink water. Soon, you’ll be dead, and the world will be ever so slightly better off.
Aries (21 March – 20 April)
Alcohol really helps with a lot of problems. Drink as much as you can and take things from there. Have faith in the world. Make no plan, spread your wings like you’re standing on the bow of the Titanic, guzzle that booze, and invite the world into your embrace. Also, get on the phone, call everyone you know, and tell them what you’ve been thinking but not saying out loud. This is a lot like one of the twelve steps in AA, but without the sobriety factor. It’s the best of both worlds, Aries. Be the master of your own universe.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May)
The less you sleep, the more you’re awake. With logic like this, who needs coffee? An epiphany is when you realize everyone’s got it wrong aside from you; congratulations for having one now.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June)
Rock, paper, scissors, banana. If you throw tropical fruit at your adversaries, they’ll have to shower much sooner than they otherwise would. Use this to your advantage, Gemini. A coconut thumps, a banana mushes, and a kiwi pelts. Nobody’s made a video game about tropical fruit warfare yet. It’s time to stop putting your dreams on hold. You’ve got the market niche, now all you need is programming skill, venture capital, and a shitload of savvy. Video games are incredibly easy to make for some people. Be one of those people.
Cancer (22 June – 22 July)
If you fall down, remember to live in the moment and lie there for a while. Whether on the sidewalk, in the shower, or in a pit full of snakes, stay calm, stay still, and appreciate the moment. Life is a hurried endeavor. It doesn’t have to be. Snakes in pits respect composure. Everyone would know that if more people had the courage to try it out. Don’t let fear govern your life. Find a pit full of snakes, fall into it, see what happens, and change the world.
Leo (23 July – 22 August)
Planning to watch TV this week, Leo? You’re not alone. Many people across the world do the same thing every day. Be grateful that you’re not alone, even if it feels that you are, even if you feel so very, very, deeply alone. You’re not. It’d be hard to emphasize this point more. You’re really, really not. Don’t trust your thoughts or feelings. Trust other stuff. Really, trust just about anything aside from your thoughts and feelings. Not sure what else there is to trust? Well then, Leo, looks like you’ve just found a life mystery to plumb. Get off that couch and figure it out.
Virgo (23 August – 23 September)
There are some things in the world that people want to do. One example would be cooking, another would be going to the beach. What nobody talks about though is what happens when you get to the beach. Walk around? Take a dip? Have a chat with the birds? Desire is like a Disney movie. You want stuff? You can have it. Birds are our oysters, and pearls are in the palms of our hands. Rub your hands together and make lemonade.
Libra (24 September – 23 October)
You read in a book that garlic is good for you. You ate a hundred cloves, and now you smell bad. This is not what deodorant was made for. Deodorant is for people with jobs who sweat on occasion. But one of the most under-heralded freedoms in the world is the freedom to innovate. So put that stuff on there, Libra. Right under your arms, all over your legs, and behind your ears. Goes on clear, Libra. You’re going to be fine.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November)
You woke up and found your arm in the garbage. Don’t do that anymore. Respect your body, because if you don’t, who will?
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December)
Valentine’s Day is over, and that means candy is on sale. Stock up for now, stock up for next year, and stock up for all the days in between. Build a shed, fill it up, get a toothbrush, get some floss, get an exercise bike, get some weights, get some teeth whitening strips, get dental insurance, and adjust to your new diet. Eating candy all day is only a problem if you let it become one.
Capricorn (22 December – 20 January)
Throw in the towel, Capricorn. You’ve been giving it your best for long enough. Now you’re tired. Take a load off. Take a nap. Call your friends. Have a glass of wine. Tell your parents you love them. Get a dog. Get some plants. Go to museums. Eat cabbage. Get an oil change. Get a haircut. Shave your very long beard. Take up a hobby. And be grateful for the little things, because actually all this is pretty damn good advice.
Tom Dibblee is Trop’s editor. His fiction has appeared in Glimmer Train and his nonfiction has appeared in Pacific Standard, the Los Angeles Review of Books, and the Point. He lives in Los Angeles.