Aries (21 March – 20 April)
The weather is getting warmer! Time to quit eating celery and hop on the nearest boxcar heading in the direction of the Horseshoe Bend Riverboat Casino for some well-deserved R&R. Beware a rangy drifter known as Jelly Bean—he’ll try to steal your vintage money-clip while distracting you with “genuine” hobo rail-riding tips.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May)
Knowing when it’s time to advocate passionately for a position and when to hold your peace may require careful consideration this week. Try to remember that some people, including influential founding members of book clubs, are going to use their power to impose trashy and lowbrow selections and there’s nothing you can do to stop them. Often, the best course of action in such situations is to let Marjorie have her damn way and exact your revenge during discussion.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June)
Unfortunately, your business idea of reintroducing thermochromic clothing to the marketplace comes during a void lunar cycle, so things may not go well. It won’t help if your truculent Sri Lankan supplier sells you a bad batch of pigment—a strong likelihood. But when irate customers wearing stubbornly monochromatic t-shirts locate your factory and burn it to the ground, don’t weep under the willows. Instead, look at this episode as a life lesson and plan your next move. (Leather?)
Cancer (22 June – 22 July)
With Mercury connecting to Jupiter in your house of appetition, you’ll want to switch up your diet to stay vital. A new ramen place just opened down the street, so maybe you should try it. This month only, if you buy one Samurai Bowl you’ll get a second for half-off at Hot Pots Ramen on Montgomery Street. And their complementary green tea ice cream is delicious! There’s ample parking and they take all major credit cards except Discover. Don’t look at me that way, Cancer; I’m just a satisfied customer.
Leo (23 July – 22 August)
Don’t be afraid to expand your cinematic boundaries this week, Leo. If you are given free tickets to an extremely experimental movie called The Mississippi Bread Riots; or, the Many Oaths of Hippocrates, you should go. I saw it last weekend, and it was fantastic. Here are some spoiler-free highlights: The main characters all change identities at least twice, there is a scene involving a bunch of cops ambushing a crowd of anarchists disguised as bakers, and a delirious epidemiologist recites beat poetry while driving a ’74 Buick Skylark through the desert blindfolded. Just go, you’ll thank me later.
Virgo (23 August – 23 September)
It’s a slow time for holidays: April Fools Day is over; Earth Day is weeks ahead. Create a new holiday. Name it in honor of your childhood pet, your first love, your favorite condiment. Name it in honor of any damn thing, Virgo; regardless, nobody will remember to send you a card.
Libra (24 September – 23 October)
This week you’ll finally come up with a name for your Spanish-and-Russian-themed fusion dinner spot: The Running of the Bolsheviks. Congratulations! Now you just need to find an abandoned hardware store, tanning salon, or wastewater treatment facility to renovate and move into.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November)
A relationship with a casual acquaintance may develop into something more significant, Scorpio. No, I don’t mean that flirty barista at the Caffeine Connection. I’m talking about your tax preparer, Jeanine Derulo. In addition to being a highly qualified CPA, she’s also a talented interior decorator. Give Jeanie a call and get started on refreshing that living room of yours!
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December)
You’ll have a breakthrough this week on a thorny design problem with your bamboo birdhouse project. Now you can finally get back to your first love: ornithology.
Capricorn (22 December – 20 January)
Unforeseen perturbations in your relationship sector will test your patience. Try regaining your serenity by engaging in your favored relaxation activity. If, however, said perturbations interfere with your listening to Creek and Owl Sounds Vol. 4, you might need to resort to stronger measures, like meeting Aquarius at that riverboat casino.
Aquarius (21 January – 19 February)
Your intuition is your most valuable asset, Aquarius, but that doesn’t mean your inner voice always speaks the truth. To wit: Just because you feel particularly certain this week that your city council is spiking the water supply with LSD doesn’t mean this long-held suspicion has become any truer.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March)
Feel like you’ve earned a special reward for all your recent hard work, Picey-cakes? You couldn’t be more wrong. This week you get nothing. And you won’t even like it.
Ian Edwards is a writer living near San Francisco. He tweets at @ian_edw.