The Weather

An Open Letter to That Guy Who Went All-Out for Valentine’s Day

Hey, buddy,

Are you okay?

I’m just checking in because on Valentine’s Day, you sort of… went… crazy.

So I saw you got Jeanice some balloons. That’s nice! And they’re bright red and pink and in the shape of hearts and have things like “I love you” and “Be Mine” written on them. Awww! That was really sweet of you.

Then I saw you got her this teddy bear the size of Kansas. That’s cool. I guess. I mean, Jeanice is thirty-two-years-old, but you know, it’s a nice thought. I mean, I have no idea where she would put that. You’ve been there, you know how small her place is—what is she gonna do, stick it on top of the fridge? Squeeze it on the patio with the herbs? But hey, oversized stuffed animals aren’t that weird.

What’s weird is the way you got everyone in Human Resources to do that dance. Not sure why it went from a do-see-do to the “Thriller” dance to “Gangnam Style.” Like as if it was the greatest hits of all the famous and popular dances? I know I’m not the only one who was confused, Ted said he didn’t understand why everyone was suddenly dancing in his cubicle. I thought maybe it was one of those flash mobs, but you kept shouting, “THIS ISN’T A FLASH MOB I JUST LOVE YOU THIS MUCH!”

And then I don’t know how much it costs to commission Maroon 5 to write a love song, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and wager a lot. I bet it costs a lot of money. Like, way more than any of us make. So, like, did you win the lottery? I mean, good for you if you did, and I’m not looking for a handout. But if you didn’t, I mean…

I guess what I’m trying to say is that when you made us all drive out to the marina and look at the yacht you rented so you could pass out free champagne and take our photos with people dressed in teddy bear costumes, it seemed a little excessive.

You know what? I take that back, because having Maroon 5 on board to sing the song you paid them to write for you was excessive.

Then came the ring. That glitzy, dazzling glacier of a ring. She cried. You cried. We all clapped. That was just… okay, honestly, I wouldn’t say I was overcome by joy exactly. But I was overcome by something. Though it wasn’t a premonition of the horror to come.

Are you sure you’re okay?

I hope that you are because it’s not your fault that having an arena-ready band play on a rental boat packed with our entire company really, really broke a lot of fire code regulations. It endangered everyone. I mean. Are you grateful that it was only Jeanice who got caught in the explosion and flew overboard onto all those sharp rocks? As opposed to Jeanice and also a bunch of the rest of us?

I’m sorry. You’re probably not very grateful about that. Anyway.

You can’t beat yourself up over all this. She’s dead, man. Maroon 5 played a song for her on your rental boat and she flew overboard onto the sharp rocks below because we hadn’t even left the dock yet.

The only thing you can do is come back to work and start building your life savings again. Because I promise you, there will be another Jeanice. Not someone else who will die so tragically. What I mean is there’s another girl out there for you. She won’t ever be Jeanice, but she will be someone you can share a life with. I know you will love again.

After all, isn’t that what Valentine’s Day is for?

Best wishes,

Your Cubicle Buddy Jim

Nadia Osman is a writer and performer based in Los Angeles. If you bring her a sandwich, she will love you forever. Find her on Twitter @msnadiaosman.