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A TV Chef Suddenly and Unfortunately Backslides in Cognitive Development

Welcome back to Frizelli Fresco. I’m your chef Giacomo Frizelli, but please, call me Friz. Before the break, we started my sumptuous twist on a quiche Lorraine and now we’re ready to really get cooking. What I’m doing here is dicing some meat into half-inch squares.  Take a look at this dry-cured prosciutto crudo. Man, that creamy orange coloring just screams flavor. Doesn’t it remind you of a sunset over Tuscany?  Doesn’t it just take you there?  This is some good freakin’ pig right here.

So we’re going to cut this up and separate all the ingredients first. Remember my mantra: Plan, Cut, Cook. A great chef is always thinking one step ahead.

While quiche Lorraine with bacon is the boring standard, I decided to mix it up. I mean they can’t tell me how to make quiche Lorraine. They wouldn’t even understand how to fancy up a dish like this. My quiche is different from every other quiche ever! Maybe you think it’s risky to twirl this santoku knife. Or add all this tarragon. But I’m going to anyway because I’m the king up in this bitch. My herb game is pure rebellion! I’m invincible!

Oh man, we should totally Snapchat this shit to Billy.

See? Told you.  That green tarragon offers a nice visual counterpoint to the orange in the prosciutto. Now what I’m doing here is organizing things by category for some reason. You know what? This is surprisingly fun. Spices go here. Meats go here. Herbs here.  Man, that looks organized. Let’s put them in order by size. Can I stack them? Oh, I can. Good stuff.

We’re all organized and I think we’re on our way to a really outstanding dish. Imagine your family’s faces when you pull this out of the oven. Well, not this one specifically, this one is my quiche Lorraine. It’s MINE. I put the pancetta and Emmental cheese in it and it’s MINE. GET AWAY FROM IT. GET YOUR OWN.

Ahem, sorry about that. Please, don’t get mad at me in front of my friends, they’re all watching. Here, let the Friz make it up to you. If you promise not to tell anyone, I’ll show you the secret ingredient.

Here it is. Not so loud, geez! I took it from my Dad’s basement fridge so, seriously, don’t tell. This is an organic crème fraîche from Vermont—just delectable stuff. Now let’s add a half-cup to our mix along with a half-cup of whole milk.

So that’s this. Added to this. And that gives us. Umm. This many. Yes. Nailed it.

You probably have to keep those taste buds on a leash by now. I know I do. Well, good news, we preheated the oven to 400° and we’re ready to let this puppy bake.

I prepared a 9½-inch pan, so we can pour our mix right on in. The key to a fluffy quiche is an even pour here. See how I’m just moving it along carefully with the mixing spatula? Ha, the spatula is kind of like an extension of my arm! Have you ever noticed that?!

What happens if I swing it around?

Ha ha. AH HA HA HA. YES! Look! Look at what I’m doing!

My apologies everyone, I’m not sure what’s gotten into me. We’re just putting the quiche in the oven here. Let’s close up the door and get ready to…OH GOD WHERE’S THE QUICHE?!

Jason Hayes lives in Denver, where he intermittently writes from a continuously alley-facing apartment. His non-fiction has appeared in The Huffington Post and The Atlantic. His humor pieces have appeared in McSweeney's. He has never written humorous non-fiction.