Dear Mr. Tauheed “2 Chainz” “Tity Boi” Epps,
Let me first begin by saying that I am a big fan, in fact, all of us here at Charleston & Sons Funeral Home are big fans. It’s really just me now though. My brothers moved to Los Angeles to pursue careers in fashion (I told them that they should go to New York if they really wanted to give it a shot, but whatever) and my father, Jonathan Charleston, has sadly passed away. My stepdad Albert is still around. He’s alright. “Bad Bitch” really makes everything feel okay!
Your album, “Based on a T.R.U Story” has become the soundtrack to my early morning embalming sessions. Some say that arterial embalming can be somewhat tedious, but they haven’t listened to “I’m Different” on repeat. It really makes time fly. I know Nutter Fort, West Virgina isn’t a hotspot for hip hop tours, but I really think it would be worth it if you made a tour stop here!(?)
I’m getting off topic, the point of this letter is not only a chance for me to express my undying fandom to you, but also a business pitch. You are a smart man, a man of business, a family man. Surely you think about the future, and want to plan ahead for any sort of unexpected situation that may arise. With that in mind, I truly believe that Charleston & Sons Funeral Home has a lot to offer you in terms of your plans for the afterlife.
Renowned French author, Victor Hugo, once said, “Everything in creation is not humanly beautiful, the unshapely beside the beautiful, the grotesque on the reverse of the sublime.” This reminded me a lot of a verse in your song “Yuck” : “Known to act like a donkey on the camel toe, then take the camel toe and turn it into casserole.” No one likes talking about death, but it’s unfortunately a part of the circle of life, it is the camel toe of life that we must turn into our own casserole.
Not only does Charleston and Sons Funeral Home carry only the finest quality of caskets, headstones, and crematorium vases, but we also provide a funeral planning service. We are a full-service company that can fulfill your wishes, to the best of our ability.
After taking another listen to “Birthday Song” I see that you have some specific requests in regards to your funeral and final resting place. While I truly value creative vision, there are a couple of details that I must unfortunately inform you, are impossible for any establish to fulfill.
Throughout ‘Birthday Song’s’ refrains, you imply that you wish to buried in public retail store locations,
When I die bury me in side the Gucci Store /
When I die bury me inside the Louis Store /
When I die bury me inside the jewelry store /
When I die bury me inside the Truey Store /
When I die bury me inside the booty club /
Unfortunately, health codes throughout the U.S. prevent any deceased remains to be buried within an active, working retail establishment—really any sort of establishment for that matter. Please, do not be discouraged. What sets Charleston & Sons apart from other funeral homes is that we will help you find similar alternatives to your requests.
To clarify; are you hoping to have your body split into 5th’s so that it might be distributed at the formerly listed locations? If so, it would make much more sense to be cremated, and then separated into urns. If it’s a question of which parts of the body are going where, we can discuss this further at a later date.
Here are a couple of off the cuff suggestions I have of alternatives for your burial plans:
While West Virgina is not a hot spot for Gucci or Louis Vuitton brick and mortar stores, our Galleria mall has a very nice Macy’s and JCPenny that carries some women’s purses! We could have your ashes distributed throughout high end label purses and then spread in the mall parking lot. I did a quick scout of the Macy’s and found: A Gucci purse on sale, a very nice Dooney and Burke “hobo bag,” and a Coach wallet.
You weren’t specific as to which jewelry store you would want to be buried in, so I assume it’s more of a statement and less about the actual jewelry. I’m thinking we pick out some necklaces and rings (maybe earrings, are your ears pierced?) from Zales’ Heart Within and/or Cherished Promises collections and arrange them nicely on your body. We have an open casket funeral, where you are serenely displayed, dripping in jewels. They have a necklace that’s in the shape of a heart, half of which is in diamonds and the other half is gold. If you are opposed to Zales, we could also look at Jared Jewelers, as well as Kay Jewelers. They all have a variation of that heart necklace so we’ll be set.
Not to gloss over your request for True Religion, but I just personally think there are so many better options of clothing, at a much more reasonable price. Aeropostale also sells jeans! Some people forget that.
For your final request, and for my final (and favorite) suggestion: the booty club.
About a year ago, the beloved gentleman’s club, “The Breast is Yet to Come” burned down in a tragic fire. Not all of the dancers and performers were fortunate enough to escape the fire, and some speculate that the empty lot is now haunted by their g-stringed souls. Some say on a windy night, you can hear a customer making it rain with ten ten ten twentys. If you are amiable to cremation, I suggest an intimate ceremonial ash scattering on the former lot. This would be the closest solution to your requests, and I’m sure we could burn a purse and throw a couple of earrings and a True Religion belt buckle on the lot as well to fulfill all of your requests.
Again, I’m just spit balling. I would totally be down to meet and talk a little more about the set up of any or all of these ideas. I have left my address on the envelope of this letter. I unfortunately am not on email at this current time, but could also talk on the phone about these ideas as well. Mondays and Wednesday’s work best for me.
Let me know!
Jonathan Christopher Charleston Jr.
Charleston & Sons Funeral Home
Funeral Director & Social Media Manager
Julia Bales is a comedy writer living in LA, and currently a Production Coordinator for CollegeHumor.com. Follow her twitter @juliabailz. Or don't, it's whatever, it's NOT A BIG DEAL IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.