The Weather

What to Expect from Michael Bay’s Ninja Turtles

Pizzas rendered by CGI, inexplicably explode on contact with hard surface.

Every sewer skateboard ride somehow ends in fifty-car highway pileup.

At least one interminable 1080-degree Steadicam shot of Raphael.

New tricked-out “Turtle Chopper” flies off into sunset at drop of hat.

Turtles carry handguns and semiautomatics; shells function as arsenals.

Alien backstory makes whole “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” thing looks downright plausible.

Token black character, a streetwise pizza delivery boy named Wheelz, coins “Ninja, please” catchphrase.

Upon realizing Shredder’s plans, General Splinter gasps, “May God have mercy on us all.”

Shredder to be played by Nicolas Cage.

Evan Allgood's work has appeared in McSweeney's, The Millions, LA Review of Books, The Toast, and The Billfold. He lives in Brooklyn and contributes regularly to Paste. Follow and maybe later unfollow him on Twitter @evoooooooooooo.