The Weather

The Struggling Humorist I

This, the first installment of The Struggling Humorist series, originally appeared on Michael’s Tumblr, Death Therapy, alongside such gems as a series of fan fiction dedicated to Lo Bosworth. Forthcoming installments of The Struggling Humorist will appear monthly and will be original to The Weather.

The Struggling Humorist woke late.

The Struggling Humorist changed from pajamas straight into gym clothes.

The Struggling Humorist drank coffee and stared out the window.

The Struggling Humorist had to go to the post office. He wasn’t really dressed for the post office.

The Struggling Humorist was dressed for the gym, but he didn’t want to go to the gym.

The Struggling Humorist was required to take his meds on a full stomach.

The Struggling Humorist sliced his finger opening a can of beans.

The Struggling Humorist took the meds.

The Struggling Humorist ate his lunch and fell asleep.

The Struggling Humorist woke up, put on loud music, and made coffee.

The Struggling Humorist left two pots to soak in the sink.

The Struggling Humorist checked his email.

The Struggling Humorist decided to do some writing.

The Struggling Humorist’s feet itched. Hmm. Nothing funny about that.

The Struggling Humorist made more coffee.

The Struggling Humorist checked his email.

The Struggling Humorist sent himself an email to make sure it was working.

The Struggling Humorist needed to go to the post office.

The Struggling Humorist needed a car. Last summer the Struggling Humorist went online and found a great deal on a used car. He called the seller and they had a pleasant conversation about the car and exciting changes to the seller’s family situation. The Struggling Humorist went to the bank, withdrew $3,500 and asked a friend to drive him to meet the seller. The Struggling Humorist and his friend met the seller, but there was no car. Instead the seller and two accomplices attacked the Struggling Humorist and stole his $3,500. The Struggling Humorist’s friend came to his aid. The seller and his accomplices attacked him as well and drove away in his car.

The Struggling Humorist borrowed a neighbor’s very expensive car in order to visit the post office and the gym.

The Struggling Humorist drove past the gym to the park.

The Struggling Humorist sat in the expensive car and watched the sun set behind the reservoir.

The Struggling Humorist liked to pretend that he owned the expensive car.

The Struggling Humorist stopped at Bingo Burger on his way home so more people could see him driving the expensive car.

The Struggling Humorist wasn’t even hungry.

The Struggling Humorist got home and checked his email. His email was still at the top of the heap. The subject was “YOU’RE AN IDIOT.”

The Struggling Humorist poured a mug of wine.

The Struggling Humorist turned on the television.

The Struggling Humorist refilled the mug.

The Struggling Humorist changed out of his gym clothes and into his pajamas.

The Struggling Humorist lay in bed and scratched his feet.

The Struggling Humorist woke in the middle of the night.

The Struggling Humorist walked to the kitchen.

The Struggling Humorist peeled cheese from a cold double Bingo.

The Struggling Humorist left bloody footprints on the linoleum.

Read more from The Struggling Humorist. 

Michael McGrath is a writer living in Connecticut. Visit him at www.mikeymcgrath.com.