The Weather

Sweatpants Wedding: “Act” 2

Ten weeks ago, Sweatpants Wedding, the concept—not the future hit musical itself—first graced these pages. Eight weeks ago, we posted what some of us thought was Act 1. Two weeks ago, we discussed a forthcoming Act 2.

We’ve been moving, much to the chagrin of Trop’s zipped and belted Aspiring Social Media Mogul, rather casually. For we agree that loose stories are the most comfortable. And we’re thrilled to announce that “Act 1” was not Act 1. It was Act 1, Scene 1. And what we expected would be “Act 2” (the script below) is in fact Act 1, Scene 2.

Sweatpants Wedding, ladies and gentlemen, is just getting started.

(Scroll to the bottom of the post and push play if you want to listen along with the lyrics.)

Scene 2: “AT THE GYM”

(Men and women in sweatpants jumping rope, lifting weights, stretching.)

BEST MAN

Twenty-eight, twenty-nine, THIRTY!

GROOM

Woo-eeee! That’s what I thought. This bench press is too weak to match me.

BEST MAN

Should we put the weights on this time?

GROOM

(mimicking Best Man) Should we put the weights on?… I’ve had weights on the whole time, friend. I would have expected you to know this. I lift the weight (fist pump) of the universe. Haven’t you noticed the shift (grabs his own ass) in gravity?

BEST MAN

Um…

GROOM

Here, feel for yourself (Groom puts Best Man’s hand on Groom’s ass) the shift—

BEST MAN

—in gravity.

(Extremely attractive woman in tight workout clothes appears, moving slowly.)

GROOM

… speaking of the displacement of massive objects.

BEST MAN

(giggles) Oh you better behave yourself. The wedding’s less than a day away!

GROOM

But who could blame an object of lesser mass finding its proper orbit around those two galactic miracles?

BEST MAN

(to audience) He does have a point… What’s wrong with a little fly-by anomaly?

(Woman bends over to stretch.)

GROOM

Mmmm. You do know what this reminds me of? Mmmmm.

(Groom makes dirty gestures toward the stretching woman. Actor should play up awkwardness of the groom singing about how hot his wife is while he’s “air fondling” the attractive lady in front of him.)

Music begins: “The Groom Gloat”

(Three or four people who were working out behind Groom and Best Man wander over to see what’s going on. During the first chorus, Groom does a “Bollywood dickhead dance.” During the second and third choruses, the people watching join in. By the final chorus, everyone in the room except the Best Man ought to be dancing in unison.)

GROOM

OOO MY BABY’S GOT TWO BABIES

MAKIN’ THIRSTY ALL THE CRAZIES

THINKING SHE’S AN OPEN MARKET

BUT I KEEP HER IN MY POCKET

 

SHE’S GOT EYES LIKE APHRODITE’S

TWO ROUND THIGHS LIKE DOLIMIGHTIES

SKIN LIKE VIRGIN PORCELAIN

SHE DOES WHAT I WANT WITHOUT ANY BITCHIN’

 

I KILL OLD MEN JEALOUS OF ME

SHOWING THEM HER PICTURE DOES THEM IN NORMALLY

EVEN BABIES SCREAM TO MOMMY

CAN I HAVE A SUCKLE OF THAT HOTTY?

 

MENAGE A TROIS, IS ONE ONE ONE

ME, MY WIFE, MY GUNS GUNS GUNS

WE LIKE JESUS ARE SACRAMENTS AT MASS

SHE GOES DOWN TO LICK MY BALLS

THEN BEGS ME JUST TO LICK MY ASS

MENAGE A TROIS ME MY WIFE MY GUNS

SHE GOES DOWN TO LICK MY ASS

THEN BEGS ME JUST TO GET ‘ER DONE

 

SOMETIMES WHEN I BIG SPOON WITH HER

I CAN HEAR THE BED SPRINGS WHIMPER

WHO’S THAT HOTTY AND THAT HOTTY

WON’T YOU GIVE US LONGER TO FONDLE YOUR BODIES

 

THEN I SEE MY BABY GETTIN’ CUTER GETTIN’ CRAZY

PULLIN’ OUT THE TAMPON WANNA MAKE A BABY

THO I DOUBT THE WORLD IS READY

I DON’T GIVE A FUCK I WANNA GET FREAKY

 

AND EVEN THOUGH I LOOK AT BONERS

WHEN I’M WATCHIN’ PORN I AIN’T NO LONER

I KEEP MY SQUIRTIES FOR MY HONEY

GONNA GET ‘ER DONE WITH HOLY MATRI-MONEY

 

MENAGE A TROIS, IS ONE ONE ONE

ME, MY WIFE, MY GUNS GUNS GUNS

WE LIKE JESUS ARE SACRAMENTS AT MASS

SHE GOES DOWN TO LICK MY BALLS

THEN BEGS ME JUST TO LICK MY ASS

MENAGE A TROIS ME MY WIFE MY GUNS GUNS

SHE GOES DOWN TO LICK MY ASS

THEN BEGS ME JUST TO GET ‘ER DONE

 

THOUGH I KNOW YOU WATCH HER I KNOW

YOU KNOW I KNOW MY FLYSWATTER

IS A NUCLEAR EXPLOSION

WHAT THE HELL YOU THINK, YOU WANNA DRINK THIS POISON?

 

BUT DON’T GET ME WRONG SHE’S IMMUNE TO IT,

NEVER HAD TO ASK, DO I SWALLOW IT OR SPIT IT?

I’LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU GONNA DO,

YOU GONNA STAND UP NEXT TO ME WHEN I SAY I DO

 

YOU AINT GONNA HIDE YOUR FACE

AND YOU AINT GONNA HIDE,

WHEN YOU STANDING BY THE PRIEST AND HEARING,

MAY I KISS THE BRIDE?

 

MENAGE A TROIS, IS ONE ONE ONE

ME, MY WIFE, MY GUNS GUNS GUNS GUNS GUNS

WE LIKE JESUS ARE SACRAMENT AT MASS

SHE GOES DOWN TO LICK MY BALLS

THEN BEGS ME JUST TO LICK MY ASS

MENAGE A TROIS ME MY WIFE MY GUNS

SHE GOES DOWN TO LICK MY ASS

THEN BEGS ME JUST TO GET ‘ER DONE

(Song ends with all dancers striking a New Kids on the Block-esque pose.)

 

Stephan McCormick lives in Los Angeles.