The Weather

Sneak Previews

Pilot season is over, and all the Hollywood bigwigs have decided what will air next fall. To celebrate their magnanimity, here’s a sneak preview of what’s headed our way in September.

Reality:

What happens when a group of caffeinated soccer moms kidnaps a bunch of PGA golfers, puts them in cages, and charges the public admission to see them? Tune in to The Putting Zoo to find out.

A tour of million-dollar homes in tony neighborhoods surrounding New York, Los Angeles, and Miami is just a little different when it’s led by the homeowner’s dog. Follow these pampered pups through their mansions to see the doorjambs they gnaw, the couch legs they hump, and the secret areas in the media rooms where they “make their mark.” With every stain, Doggie Style will revolutionize the way you look at real estate.

One chiseled, marginally intelligent man will try to find the love of his life by choosing from a group of twenty beautiful women in an exotic Caribbean location. Nineteen of the girls have sexually transmitted infections, so he’ll need to use his best detective skills to determine the best candidate to marry. In the two-hour season finale proposal special, the audience—and our soon-to-be-unemployed actor—will learn whether The One is also The One Without a Disease. This fall, catch The Lover: Herpes Cove.

Producer Mace Graffman (Tween Prehab: Las Vegas Nights; Celebrity Drano Diet Challenge; Girlfriend, Tyra Thinks You’re Fat as Hell; Puppy Love: DMX Needs a Bitch—What!) returns to reality television after a four-year court-ordered hiatus with the reality show you’ve always wanted to see. Remember Six from Blossom? Boner Stabone from Growing Pains? Skippy Handelman from Family Ties? Of course you don’t. In Death to Sidekicks, these forgotten sitcom actors will live under one roof and compete for secondary-character supremacy. Each week, the two lowest-scoring contestants will face off in the Chainsaw Room. One sidekick advances to the next episodethe other is canceled! Tune in to watch careers get resurrected, one death at a time.   

Scripted:

Mike Taylor is a professional dancer whose Broadway dreams have been dashed by a career-ending injury. He returns to his old neighborhood, where he finds rival drug gangs vying for control of the local market. Each drug kingpin wants Taylor’s dance skills for his own purposes, and our hero must choose a path: Blood, Crip, or Jazz. If you like Glee and Smash, you’ll love Lords and Taylor. Crack never had this much rhythm!

Three twentysomething women—a Muslim, a Jew, and a Mormon—share a luxurious Greenwich Village apartment. They laugh, they cry, they never go to work, and they make love to a limitless supply of quirky, unmarriageable Manhattan men. These girls may not agree with one another’s religious views, but they do believe in shoes. Check out Casual Sects.

Earl Amberson, a cannibal from the Upper East Side, is killed by a bus in Times Square. Saint Peter tells Earl that the only way he can earn a place on the other side of the pearly gates is to return to Earth and serve as a guardian angel to various New Yorkers. This fall, savor The Five People You Eat in Heaven. 

After being abandoned by her professional yodeler husband, Los Angeles motivational speaker Jane returns to her childhood home in Savannah, Georgia, where she takes over her recently deceased father’s family pimping business. With a little positive thinking, Jane just might turn her dad’s unsuccessful crew of aging, demoralized prostitutes into Savannah’s premier escort service. This November, Jane is The Whore Whisperer. 

Samantha Johnson has known all her life that she wants to be a corporate attorney: big city, big deals, big money. Now, fresh out of Harvard Law School, she has a sudden change of heart and decides to join the public defender’s office, where she will speak for the people who don’t have a voice. Samantha will lose her illusions about justice, and she’ll find herself in the process. Bronx Defender is the story of a modern career woman—and the two time-traveling dinosaurs who are in love with her.

Brian Ross lives with his wife in Hoboken, New Jersey. His fiction and humor pieces at brianrross.com should be avoided at all costs.