The Weather

List: Why the Pope Retired

Can’t take self, job seriously anymore due to epic hat hair from Pope hat.

Transitioning to lucrative on-air TV gig as papal analyst.

Wearing all white feels dishonest given checkered sexual history.

Has started referring to himself as a “recovering Catholic… maybe even agnostic. I dunno. It’s complicated.”

God refuses to answer or return calls, strictly a text and email guy now.

Waving from Popemobile like being caged beauty queen, just humiliating.

Vatican City a real one-horse town.

Infallibility not all it’s cracked up to be.

Evan Allgood's work has appeared in McSweeney's, The Millions, LA Review of Books, The Toast, and The Billfold. He lives in Brooklyn and contributes regularly to Paste. Follow and maybe later unfollow him on Twitter @evoooooooooooo.