The Weather

How My Letters Must Have Looked to My Russian Landlord

To: Ivan Big Dog Management
1125 Banner Ave, Suite 675
Brooklyn, NY 11235

Dear Russian Landlord,

Hello boss! My name is probably a skinny Jew and I’m one of your big word for someone who lives at place. I wanted to tell that I moved out of tiny hole of shit apartment at 167 Harman this weekending after cleaning like sucker. Can you believe I paid so much to live in place that is like asshole of dog?

Please do not—I repeat this—do not give me back any of the security deposits. Those many much roach-cocks made me more like man less like girl. In Yekaterinburg, children would kill for friendly critters like bugs of bed! Please take security deposits money and use it on leather jacket and black women. Nice jobs.

For your informations, I believe that neighbors in 3L are cooking many much meths—there is odor like dead cat coming from under door. This, of course, no problem, as long as they make rents on time. If they do not make rents with money, meths will do. You can always sell meths to Crazy Dimitri, no problem.

Of courses, I am a child and know nothing about business. Ignore me. If you hear from me again (not likely because I am child and easily fooled), please disregard threats that are legal, especially emails about how uncle is hotshot lawyer. Even if uncle was hotshot lawyer, don’t forget your cousin Sergey is big and could kill him, probably with bat.

I am much lucky to rent from man like you. You come to America with nothing but back clothes, many smarts, and gun, and look at you now! You big dog of hole of shit apartment management! In facts, you could probably raise price of apartment for next retarded child who live there. Think of all the money you could spend on cologne and DVD!!!!

Much thanks for shit apartment. Never talk to me again, and may many black women sleep with you.

If Not a Jew Then a Gay

P.S. I have enclosed last month’s rent check in this envelope.

Justin Shipley is a writer, improviser, and perpetual office assistant living in Los Angeles. He once waited in line for the restroom behind Chris Pine, so yeah, he's doing just fine, thanks.