The Weather

Honest Dating: Text Convo

UPDATE: Carly Smith, who recently wrote an honest dating profile, went on a first date with Robert Boyd. He texted her a few days later and they had the following honest text conversation.

ROBERT BOYD: Hey. Want to meet up in an hour? Spontaneous fun?

CARLY SMITH: Absolutely! I just need to go home first and shave my vagina.

RB: I’d rather see you now.

CS: Really?

RB: Actually maybe not. My horniness is clouding my judgment.

CS: Yeah, it’s better to wait. I also need to shave my entire body, douse myself in lotion, blow-dry my hair, put on perfume, deodorant, my special underwear that doesn’t make me look fat, and my lacy bra. Where should we meet?

RB: The Viceroy is nice, but the cocktails are kind of expensive. How many do you think you’ll have?

CS: Three? I tend to drink around you because I’m nervous and afraid of rejection from my past history of being dumped a lot.

RB: Let’s go to Busby’s. Way cheaper than Viceroy.

CS: What time?

RB: How about 9 p.m.? I don’t want to pay for dinner.

CS: That’s perfect because I don’t want to eat around you. I find it difficult to manage an engaging and seductive conversation while taking large bites of food. Plus I probably won’t eat that much so I can have a flat stomach for when we hook up later.

RB: Great. See you then.

CS: BTW I really like you and have been imagining our future together.

RB: Really? That’s flattering. I don’t see a future with you for some reason.

CS: Why? Is there something wrong with me?

RB: I guess inherently so. Otherwise I’d feel differently.

CS: What’s wrong with me?

RB: You’re a little overweight and you also just kind of talked too much and bored me. There wasn’t any intrigue.

CS: Ugh I hate myself.

RB: Sorry.

CS: Why do you want to meet up?

RB: I’m insanely horny. I masturbated like four times yesterday, and today I woke up telling myself I would do something about the situation.

CS: Do you think if we have sex you’ll develop feelings for me and want something more?

RB: Probably not.

CS: I feel so depressed. I’m unworthy of being loved.

RB: It’s cool if you don’t want to meet up now.

CS: I’m thinking about it. The fact that you don’t want me makes me want to convince you to like me. I need the validation. I’m desperate.

RB: That’s perfect. I’ll delude myself into thinking that maybe I’ll like you one day, thereby making this whole situation okay.

CS: Let’s just pretend this conversation didn’t happen.

RB: Okay.

CS: See you at nine.

RB: See you.

Shirin Najafi is a writer living in Los Angeles. She graduated from Columbia University with a degree in economics and worked in investment banking before deciding to quit and become a writer. She performs the voice of a cat in some videos (www.magicalstew.com) and is currently working on her first novel.