UPDATE: Carly Smith, who recently wrote an honest dating profile, went on a first date with Robert Boyd. He texted her a few days later and they had the following honest text conversation.
ROBERT BOYD: Hey. Want to meet up in an hour? Spontaneous fun?
CARLY SMITH: Absolutely! I just need to go home first and shave my vagina.
RB: I’d rather see you now.
RB: Actually maybe not. My horniness is clouding my judgment.
CS: Yeah, it’s better to wait. I also need to shave my entire body, douse myself in lotion, blow-dry my hair, put on perfume, deodorant, my special underwear that doesn’t make me look fat, and my lacy bra. Where should we meet?
RB: The Viceroy is nice, but the cocktails are kind of expensive. How many do you think you’ll have?
CS: Three? I tend to drink around you because I’m nervous and afraid of rejection from my past history of being dumped a lot.
RB: Let’s go to Busby’s. Way cheaper than Viceroy.
CS: What time?
RB: How about 9 p.m.? I don’t want to pay for dinner.
CS: That’s perfect because I don’t want to eat around you. I find it difficult to manage an engaging and seductive conversation while taking large bites of food. Plus I probably won’t eat that much so I can have a flat stomach for when we hook up later.
RB: Great. See you then.
CS: BTW I really like you and have been imagining our future together.
RB: Really? That’s flattering. I don’t see a future with you for some reason.
CS: Why? Is there something wrong with me?
RB: I guess inherently so. Otherwise I’d feel differently.
CS: What’s wrong with me?
RB: You’re a little overweight and you also just kind of talked too much and bored me. There wasn’t any intrigue.
CS: Ugh I hate myself.
CS: Why do you want to meet up?
RB: I’m insanely horny. I masturbated like four times yesterday, and today I woke up telling myself I would do something about the situation.
CS: Do you think if we have sex you’ll develop feelings for me and want something more?
RB: Probably not.
CS: I feel so depressed. I’m unworthy of being loved.
RB: It’s cool if you don’t want to meet up now.
CS: I’m thinking about it. The fact that you don’t want me makes me want to convince you to like me. I need the validation. I’m desperate.
RB: That’s perfect. I’ll delude myself into thinking that maybe I’ll like you one day, thereby making this whole situation okay.
CS: Let’s just pretend this conversation didn’t happen.
CS: See you at nine.
RB: See you.
Shirin Najafi is a writer living in Los Angeles. She graduated from Columbia University with a degree in economics and worked in investment banking before deciding to quit and become a writer. She performs the voice of a cat in some videos (www.magicalstew.com) and is currently working on her first novel.