The Weather

Honest Dating: Carly Smith

Name: Carly Smith
Age: 34
City: Santa Monica, California

About Me: Hey boys, I’m not really familiar with how this “online dating” thing works. I wish I could make my profile witty and intriguing, but I’ve never been much of a writer. I guess I’ll just talk about how I got here and what I’m looking for in a relationship? I always go by the rule of honesty is the best policy. Hopefully that applies to internet dating, too. Anyway, here it goes…

I’m thirty-four, and I always thought I’d be married with kids by this age. I had a pretty serious relationship with a guy from age thirty to thirty-two, and I thought we would get married, but we ended up breaking up because ultimately he wasn’t that into me. I think I checked off enough boxes for him to be with me for two years and tell me he loves me, but I was missing that special je ne sais quoi that would make him want to be with me forever. He had kind of a wandering eye, and I lived in a willful denial about it. Sometimes I’d catch him texting with a slight smile, and I knew it was with a woman, but he had a passcode on his phone and always kept it out of my reach. He would do things like get up from a restaurant table and take his phone with him to the bathroom. Anyway, I unfriended him on Facebook and blocked him on Twitter and Instagram, so I have no idea what’s going on in his life. Maybe he’s with another woman. My biggest fear is that he’s with someone prettier and thinner than I am. I’m not actually as hot as I look in my pictures. Most of the ones I have posted on my profile kind of blur out my imperfections because they were taken on an iPhone at a bar. I also gained about seven pounds in the last year and all of these pictures were taken about five years ago. I would say these photos are in the top 0.01 percentile of hotness of photos ever taken of me in my life. But I’m on a juice diet now and I’m going to get my hair blown out for our first date, so I will look almost as good as my pictures when you meet me.

As for what I’m looking for in a relationship: I want to be with someone who is physically attractive. I’m 5’5”, and I need to be with someone who is at least 5’10”. So if you’re lying about your height on your profile, you should know that I have this height requirement and will want to terminate the date immediately if I see that you are any shorter than this. I went to Emory for undergrad, and I tend to think that a good college is like a stamp of approval on a person. In that way, I’m kind of a snob about colleges and prefer that you went to a better college than I did. Ivy Leagues, Stanford, MIT would all catch my eye and be an immediate selling point. Job wise, I am looking for someone who makes a lot of money but does something creative and unique. In other words, I want the perfect cross between a poor artist and an investment banker. I imagine my ideal mate as an entrepreneur who develops a creative line of products and lives in a really modern house and has a lot of free time to take me on vacation.

On my profile, I listed yoga, hiking, and reading as my top three hobbies. I’ve only done yoga like once in the last two months, and I used to go hiking with my ex-boyfriend, but I haven’t gone since we broke up two years ago. I do read a lot, but lately it’s been books that my female friends have recommended to me on how to land a guy. Books like, The Rules, Why Men Love Bitches, Get the Guy. It’s exhausting reading these books because the information is contradictory. The Rules tells you never to text or approach a guy while Get the Guy tells you to be bold and aggressive. I’m inclined to trust the latter since it was written by a man, and what the hell do women know about men? Anyway, my main hobby outside of my nine-to-five job is to come home and watch TV shows I DVR-ed, like Parks and Rec and The Voice. I also hang out with my married friends who have kids and hang out at their homes, staring sadly at their children while they talk about making interesting plans that involve their other coupled-up friends. Trips to Napa and Palm Springs and such. I’ve recently taken to drinking and smoking quite a bit. It’s the kind of thing where I come home every night, watch an episode of The Voice, and then make myself a few cocktails and smoke some cigarettes on my balcony while scrolling through my Instagram feed.

Anyway, message me if you want to meet up. Also please make sure to check for spelling errors and typos. I’m kind of a snob about that and will subconsciously judge you for it.

xoxo

Carly

Shirin Najafi is a writer living in Los Angeles. She graduated from Columbia University with a degree in economics and worked in investment banking before deciding to quit and become a writer. She performs the voice of a cat in some videos (www.magicalstew.com) and is currently working on her first novel.