Perfect Sleep 3000
I’ve always had difficulty sleeping in the same bed as another person. Whether it’s a romantic partner, a friend, a stranger—whether that person is motionless or thrashing—I can’t sleep. Earplugs, white noise machines, sleeping pills, heavy drinking. Nothing has helped.
That is, until Perfect Sleep 3000 (PS3K).
PS3K is a luxury item. It runs at approximately $450,000 and can only be purchased at select aerospace centers. It requires installation in a bedroom at least 1,000 square feet in size and installation costs an additional $50,000 to $100,000.
What PS3K does is allow you to start the night sleeping in the same bed as a person and wake up in the morning sleeping next to this same person, without actually sleeping next to this person.
Let me explain.
The width of a Perfect Sleep 3000 is approximately that of two queen-sized mattresses. On a PS3K, you fall asleep next to your friend or romantic partner as you would in a normal bed. Implanted into the mattress are sleep cycle detectors that determine when your body enters deep sleep. Once both people in the bed have reached this stage, the bed detaches at its center. (To be clear: there is no uncomfortable seam or divisor that can be felt when the bed is connected.) One half of the bed remains stationary while the other half drifts to the other side of the room. (It is recommended to have the deeper sleeper on this half.) After the bed travels approximately twenty feet to the opposite side of the room, a wall in the middle of the bedroom is activated and comes sliding down in dead silence.
The material of the wall is a Plexiglas-mirror composite patented and designed for this very purpose. It has an illusory effect that is quite remarkable. If either sleep participant wakes in the middle of the night, he/she will perceive his/her partner at a distance of approximately eighteen inches (versus the reality of twenty feet). The purpose of this is twofold. (1) The wall is a soundproof device allowing noise immunity from the other partner’s snoring, sleep talking, or activity to and from the bathroom. (2) It simulates a physical closeness that does not actually exist and thereby maintains a mental comfort throughout the night if either person wakes up. (Tests have shown that waking up to a room without your romantic partner on a bed half the size of the one you initially fell asleep on is mentally unsettling.) As morning approaches, the sleep cycle detector senses the emergence of each partner into a wakeful state and preemptively fuses the beds together. Both partners wake to the same circumstance under which they fell asleep, and move on to a well-rested and positive day.
I have to say, I really have no complaints about this product. If I could give it six stars, I would. Before PS3K came along, I was pretty sure this whole sleeping-in-the-same-bed situation was hopeless. I was imagining my future in a marriage or long-term domestic partnership in which we’d sleep in separate rooms like couples who hate each other or on twin beds in the same room like asexual senior citizens with bowel control problems. Or I would just have terrible sleep for the rest of my life and be partially suicidal every day and slowly die a disease caused by no sleep every night. Or die alone without a romantic partner.
I highly recommend this product.
Shirin Najafi is a writer living in Los Angeles. She graduated from Columbia University with a degree in economics and worked in investment banking before deciding to quit and become a writer. She performs the voice of a cat in some videos (www.magicalstew.com) and is currently working on her first novel.