The Weather

Honest and Unbiased: Kozy Acres Pet Cemetery and Crematorium

Kozy Acres Pet Cemetery and Crematorium
Joliet, IL
5 Stars

Hello, world! It’s ME—Noreen! Like you couldn’t tell—as if! LOL.

Anywho, I’m a bit on the sad side recently because my dear little friend and partner in life (NOT life partner—I’m a widow, boys. Meow!) just passed away. My little tabby buddy Dr. Julius unexpectedly clawed his way into that tuna castle in the sky.

There were a couple close calls, so I should have seen it coming. But who wants to think about their own precious fluff ball’s demise? He fell asleep in the slow-cooker two weeks ago—that was a close call! Luckily Kitty Mama Noreen didn’t turn it on or I would have CAT STEW! ROFL!! Then there was the time I was reorganizing my large knives collection and he played with the butcher knife! What’s he going to do with that? Can you imagine Dr. Julius cutting up pieces of meat?! He’s a CAT! ROFLCOPTER!!!

But this time he was just playing with a ball of string like a curious kitty and a hawk plum swooped in and gobbled him up. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. How’s a woman with twig arms—I’m talkin’ bout me, y’all!—supposed to fight off a hawk? I stood there—mouth agape!—and screamed like a banshee. My neighbor came in to tell me to shut it and I yelled, “I AM IN PANIC MODE MY CAT WAS EATEN BY A HAWK YOU ARE A GARBAGE PILE OF A MAN.” I know, it’s not like me, but I’d like to see you being all cordial when you watched a wild bird fly into your house and snack on your furry friend.

I didn’t know what to do when this happened, so I took the mangled remains of my little baby fluff monster straight to Kozy Acres down the street. They were so helpful! There’s no doubt in my mind that I’m giving this place five Starshines! It’s as good as it gets! No other pet cemetery and crematorium can even come CLOSE. Do you hear that Pleasant Hill Pet Cemetery? I DISLIKE YOU.

I could not stand the thought of burying Dr. Julius. He hated to be covered. And really, who would want an open casket of their hawk-eaten cat? This is a nice place. It’s really cheap if you don’t want the ashes back. I mean, what am I gonna do with a bunch of kitty ashes? Put ’em in the ground and hope tiny kitten trees grow? Actually. Wait. I NEED MY ASHES BACK ASAP.

Read more from the Honest and Unbiased series.

Stephanie Weber is a writer and comedian based in Chicago. She has a website, so she is super legit. Check it out at stephanieweberwrites.tumblr.com where you can get information on her plays and opinions on pizza.