The Great Recession continues, and so too does the buyer’s market for help. With hoards unemployed, the 1% has become ever more specific in its quest for comfort and security. Welcome to the new classifieds.
Needed ASAP—Wealthy husband with over-developed upper body and degrees in veterinary medicine and electrical engineering (construction experience a plus) to help eco-activist woman establish off-the-grid homesteads in the Hamptons and the Hollywood Hills. Nonsmoker preferred; age unimportant.
Executive assistant who will not be offended when she is referred to as “secretary” or “my girl” or “her.” Principal duty: managing estates in Santa Fe, Greenwich, and Switzerland. Must take shorthand and not be annoying or speak.
Wanted: Toddler for busy, artistically involved, upwardly mobile, politically active young couple. Must be completely self-sufficient. (No meals provided.)
Russian, English, and Arabic-speaking crate shop technician wanted—a team player to be part of the production team that specializes in the production of crates for all of life’s objects. Specific duties and responsibilities are as follows: Operates power tools, pneumatic staplers, nailers, table and radial saws and band saws to manufacture individually designed crates for the shipping of a life’s accumulation of stuff as well as some live inhabitants; constructs crates according to design specifications, operates a sprayer for the cleaning and de-bugging of water-based stuff whose construction involves adhesive and electronic surveillance devices. Requires excellent attention to detail. Political apathy, ability to focus obliviously, and general ambivalence regarding family demagogies, rightfully elected extremists, world news, and an occasional stateless felon a plus. Three-dimensional packing experience is desired. Knowledge of general shop safety and power tools (i.e., table saw, radial arm saw, staplers, etc.) and their recommended safety requirements. If you feel that you possess the experience, qualifications, and moral ambiguity outlined, please submit your cover letter, résumé, and salary history/requirements to the Revolution Housing Department. An AA/EEO employer.
Escorts wanted—Beautiful women in their twenties or youthful thirties who will accompany investors to Washington, DC, for meetings, ambassadorial functions, &c. Must be discreet, intelligent (master’s degrees in international business a plus), fluent in English and Mandarin, and eager to please. No prostitutes or investigative reporters. Background check required.
Staff Attorney to handle everything, no exceptions. This is an off-site, 365-day, 24/7 position. We don’t want to see you. Ever. Just handle it.
Doctor—ditto to Staff Attorney requirements.
Development associate at a career coaching firm. This is a volunteer position, but will look good on your résumé.
Communications Director—ditto to Staff Attorney and Doctor.
Betsy Robinson's comic novel, The Last Will & Testament of Zelda McFigg, has just won Black Lawrence Press's Big Moose Prize and will be published in May 2014. Learn more at www.BetsyRobinson-writer.com. Connect with Zelda McFigg at www.Facebook.com/ZeldaMcfigg.