Matthew placed fourth in the inaugural Trop Short Fake College or High School Class President Commencement Address Contest.
On behalf of the university’s 2567 graduating senior class, I would like to welcome the few of you who have actually shown up to today’s ceremony. With the massive, world-ending meteor hurtling its way toward Earth, it’s understandable that most of our class has decided not to participate and instead spend time with loved ones or perform acts of end-of-times debauchery. Speaking of which, could the mess of an orgy going on in the back please hold off for one moment, please? The mist of ejaculate and what smells like a copious dousing of AXE body spray is equal parts distracting and nauseating. I’m not saying don’t have an orgy. I’m just saying tone it down a bit during our graduation ceremony. Some of those who have yet to participate in a mass suicide pact actually brought family along today, and they deserve our respect for the few remaining hours of our existence.
Now, it has been four long, trying years since we first stepped foot into what would become a second home for many of us. Not only was this campus an institute to acquire knowledge and—
Okay I can’t go on without addressing the four members Phi Kappa Sigma riding around on horses that have flames spray painted on them. I know you guys think it’s a big joke, but there are a lot of people who really believe in that stuff and you’re terrifying them. Plus, that has to be considered animal cruelty in some way. I know it’s the end of times, but that doesn’t give you all an excuse to be a bunch of dicks.
Look, I got out of bed today, ate breakfast, got dressed, brushed my teeth and then, after strangling my dorm roommate for using up the last of the TP and not replacing the roll, I showed up ready to take this ceremony seriously. I just ask all of you to do the same.
Alrighty then. Where were we? Right. As we meditate on the skills we’ve honed, the friends we’ve made, and the opportunities we’ve been given here at the university, I feel confident that this graduating class will crash into a job market with ease. Oh wait, crash probably isn’t the right word… Er… I’m sure we will land a job that utilizes our degrees. I’m just now realizing how much of this speech really doesn’t apply now that we’ve only got like the next thirty hours or so to live. So, I guess the only jobs available at the moment are probably last-ditch, meteor-stopping jobs. Did any of you major in meteors? Anyone?
What’s that? Meteorology?
Oh hardy-har. Nice apocalypse pun, jerk. You’re not helping. Seriously guys, did any of you major in something that can stop a meteor from killing everyone? Is meteor-stopping a field of study here or anywhere, for that matter? No? Wow… You woulda thought we’d get that going by now.
Christ, I majored in advertising. Advertising! What am I going to do? Tell the meteor how to sell its public image? I just wanna graduate and spend some leftover student-aid refund money on postponing adulthood. Is that too much to ask? Instead I’m gonna die because some dumb space rock is gonna obliterate everything.
I’m sorry, that was selfish of me. I’m not the only one about to die, and I’m sure we’re all here to celebrate what little life we have left rather than dwell on our inevitable deaths.
But seriously, how are none of us even trying to stop the meteor?!
Did any of you idiots take an astronomy class or anything?
Hey, don’t boo me. I’m not the one throwing a rock the size of Texas at us. And at least I had the guts to come here today. Do you know where the dean is right now? Before I came on stage, he took off his pants, urinated on the floor, and started running through the auditorium screaming something about the futility and meaninglessness of existence. So don’t tell me…
Oh, you know what? Screw it. Hey, orgy in the back rows, got room for one more?
Matthew Fugere is a guy from Virginia. These are some of the things he does, tries to do, or plans on doing: writing, teaching, playing video games, breathing, and avoiding heavy objects that could kill him. He writes things here: storiesbymatthewfugere.wordpress.com/.