The Weather

Fifteen Rejected Sequels To “Vampires Don’t Wear Polka Dots”

“Dragons Don’t Cause Global Warming”

“Dracula Doesn’t Disguise Himself As Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia”

“Gremlins Didn’t Cause Your Parents’ Divorce”

“Wizards Aren’t A Viable Alternative To Dating”

“Elves Can’t Be Tried As Adults”

“Santa Isn’t Coming Because Of What You Did To The Cat”

“Mermaids Can’t Drive Cars Because They’re Women”

“Angels Aren’t Ever Mexican”

“Zombies Shouldn’t Be As Popular As They Currently Are”

“God Doesn’t Really Exist”

“Centaurs Won’t Stop Popping Up In My Sexual Fantasies”

“Peekomen Aren’t Similar Enough To Pokémon To Warrant A Lawsuit”

“‘Hobbits’ Isn’t An Appropriate Term For Little People”

“Unicorns Don’t Get Turned Into Glitter Glue”

“Jews Can’t Join Glendale Country Club”

Matt Crowley is a writer, director, and improviser living in Brooklyn. He wishes he was a professional magician. Find him on Twitter @MatthewPCrowley.