The Weather

Crimes By Location: Parking Lot

The lot in question sits between a taco stand and a liquor store. Due to an oak tree having uprooted one corner of the pavement, only eleven of the twelve spaces can be used at any one time. It is estimated that this corner space has been basically unusable since the 1990s. In addition, a 1964 Thunderbird has been parked in a second space since 2002. The tires have deflated and weeds have grown into the floorboards. It is rumored that this vehicle belongs to the owner of the liquor store. So really it’s only ten spaces that can be used. Actually, it’s nine. The clerk at the liquor store, the owner’s nephew, uses a third space for his own car. And the liquor store keeps ungodly hours.

Obviously crimes have been committed. A parking lot does not head home at the close of business. A parking lot does not chain its doors, bar its windows, or close its eyes in deference to the moon. The lot in question was paved in the 1960s, perhaps a decade earlier, but of course its true history is much older. After lengthy investigation, the Los Feliz PD reports the following:

May 3, 1765: 22-year-old male slain during theft of gourd containing water. Suspect unknown, of Conquistador appearance.

Apr 21, 1804: Blasphemy uttered by 41-year-old male. Suspect kicked by horse.

Jul 7, 1831: 20-year-old female assaulted by 37-year-old female. Victim mistaken for adulteress. Suspect fined one pound of silver.

Dec 11, 1889: Holy Bible defaced by 34-year-old male. Suspect turned over to Irish mob.

Sep 7, 1976: Liquor store robbed at gunpoint. Suspect unknown.

May 12, 1977: Liquor store robbed at knifepoint. Suspect unknown.

Oct 10, 1979: Liquor store robbed at screwdriver-point. Suspect apprehended, cried like a girl.

Aug 4, 1988: 24-year-old documented gang member assaulted during theft of Big Gulp soda. Suspect apprehended in subsequent gang-related arrests.

Mar 30, 2004: 27-year-old male assaulted upon honest criticism of tattoo. Suspect sentenced to 90 days probation.

Apr 18, 2013: Forty tacos slain (5 chicken, 10 carnitas, 25 “al pastor”) by 52-year-old semi-professional wrestler billed from Oklahoma City as the Chancellor of Doom, the Ten-Man Pileup, the Leaning Tower of Whoopass, the Knuckle Delivery Boy, and the Trafficker of Pain. Suspect applauded by crowd of passersby dispersing shortly thereafter.

Devon Bixler was raised in Blacksburg, Virginia and studied at NYU. He lives in Los Angeles.