The Weather

Call Me Crazy, But I Don’t Think The Government Should Be Injecting Tiny Cameras Into My Bloodstream

Boy oh boy. Those clowns in Congress have done it again. Just when you think that the political system can’t shoot any further down the crapper, these fat cat politicians come along with some “amazing new program” that’s “great for the American people,” and we’re just supposed to just sit back and accept it. Well, I’m sorry, buster, but if you ask me, this time they’ve gone too far. There’s got to be a limit. Call me crazy, but I don’t think the government should be injecting tiny cameras into my bloodstream.

Don’t get me wrong here, I’m all for progress. We’re living in a digital age. It seems like every day there’s some fancy new doohickey that’s going to revolutionize our lives (and empty our wallets!). Who wouldn’t want a faster computer or a smaller MP3 player? Technology can bring people together—I get that. But is it so insane to have a problem with minuscule government-mandated recording equipment flowing through my circulatory system at all times? I don’t think so.

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think it’s nutty to believe that America is all about freedom. I don’t think it’s so batty to hold ourselves to a higher standard of integrity. And I don’t think it’s bonkers to be concerned about government agents coming into my house while I sleep, sticking a syringe into my butt and filling my bloodstream with microscopic video cameras. Am I alone here?

I can hear the naysayers now. “Oh, Matt’s a real kook. Matt’s not quite right in the head. Being concerned about the safety and stability of the American way of life is loopy.” Well if that’s the case, then one ticket to the funny farm please, because I’m not onboard with my every word and action being recorded, documented, and sent to an untraceable underground facility in Alexandria, Virginia.

Uh, how about funding public schools? How about keeping guns off our streets? How about controlling the massive waves of spiders that keep crawling over my body? Are these a better use of tax payer dollars, or should I start getting fitted for a straight jacket right now? Come on!

So unless you want to lock me up in a rubber room and throw away the key for thinking that it’s not all sunshine and roses for masked men to enter my room and implant me with cameras so small they can never be seen, not even by microscopes, the moment I fall asleep, maybe we can go back to the way things used to be.

It’s just common sense.

Matt Crowley is a writer, director, and improviser living in Brooklyn. He wishes he was a professional magician. Find him on Twitter @MatthewPCrowley.