Hell broke loose on the roads outside Tucson today, as the asphalt reportedly up and split to reveal not just dirt, but also, according to witnesses, flames, screams, ghoulies, goblins, clergymen, still-apologizing pols doomed to eternal contriteness, and, shockingly, lots and lots of children. “Ya know, ‘twas the kids that shocked me the most,” drifter Sarge Lerhmont said. “I mean, what you gotta do to get straight to hell before the age of six? I ain’t figured that one, but I tell you, I seen the crack in the road that led straight to hell, and I know I seen kids in there, all types of ‘em.” Authorities confirmed that minutes after the asphalt up, split, and revealed a window unto hell, a bus crashed right into it, killing the driver and forty-three passengers on impact.
Trop's preferred international wire service.