Here we are, boys and girls: the main room of my candy factory. You’ve each found the silver coupons and earned a tour through this wonderland of delight! Give yourself a moment to take it all in. I know, it’s terribly exciting. Just a reminder: Don’t break any rules while you’re here—rule-breakers will have to be punished. I’m sure it won’t be an issue. I don’t know why I even brought it up.
Don’t be shy! Spread out. Do you see that over there? It looks like a castle, but what is it made of? Why, Necco Wafers—Necco Wafers as big as your wee head. It’s every little girl’s dream! And what’s this here? Orange clouds floating in the sky? But those are no regular clouds—they’re circus peanuts! We go through over a thousand types of gelatin to get them just right. Bet you’d like to grab onto one of those bad boys and just float off in the air. Too bad that would be against the rules. Does look fun though.
Look over to your right: it’s a street paved with candy corn. Delicious! Look to your left: lickable lampposts that taste like spearmint. Delectable! Straight ahead: Zagnut bars as far as the eye can see. Everything you see before you is an incredible, edible marvel. It’s all so tooth-diddly-oothsome that it must be hard for you kids to stop yourselves from just going wild. I probably wouldn’t even notice if you did!
I’m sorry? No, it’s not a chocolate waterfall. It’s something much better—a whirlpool full of artificial grape flavoring! You know, a whirlpool is the only way to get the texture nice and syrupy like that. It’s quite a sight to behold, isn’t it? If I were you, I’d want to dive right in, even though I know it’s not allowed. I’d be all, “What’s the worst that could happen?”
Looks like you’ve spotted my friends who help me run this whimsical enterprise: the Oompa-Loompas. Don’t get too close, now! I’m serious—most of them are riddled with hepatitis. Just keep to this side of the Bit-O-Honey hives. Hey, you like music? Ahem. Come with me, and you’ll be in my candy factory. It’s so cool, it probably wouldn’t be that big a deal if you broke some of the rules, laa dee dee, candy factory.
Well, I’m sure it’s all a lot to process, so take your time. I’m going to go stand behind these root beer garbage barrels over there for a bit, with my back turned, just thinking about my thoughts. Remember, even though it’s all around you and it would be extremely easy, try not to be tempted by my delicious, delicious candy.
Okay, I’m back. Did anyone break any rules? Be honest. No? Not one person? What the fuck?! I don’t get this—are you all diabetic or something? What am I, a fucking leper? I guess you princesses are too good for Red Vines that slither like real snakes, huh? Oh, pardon me, your majesty, but I built this fucking factory from the ground up. Now I’m living the good life while you’re stuck in some shack washing the shit stains out of your grandparents’ sheets. So, don’t worry about me, okay buddy? I’m doing fine. I’m doing just fine.
Eat it! Eat the god-damned candy! Swallow it or so help me I’ll make you choke on it!
There! Thank you. Was that so hard? Is eating candy such a horrible chore that this is going to leave a permanent mark on your psyche? I didn’t think so. Stop crying.
Now, unfortunately, eating sweets from this room is against the rules. Since you can’t seem to keep your hands to yourself, we’re going to have to cut off this finger and this finger here. There we go. Hope that teaches you not to be a rule-breaker.
All right, boys and girls, on to the next part of the tour. Don’t keep me waiting. Right this way! Laa daa doo, laa dee dee, candy factory!
Matt Crowley is a writer, director, and improviser living in Brooklyn. He wishes he was a professional magician. Find him on Twitter @MatthewPCrowley.