Sleeper Celluloid: Real Reviews of Fake Movies

A Review of Bosom Bros 8: Bros 4 Life

Director: Michael Bay; Cast: Dwayne Johnson, Vin Diesel, Bruce Willis, Channing Tatum, Jessica Alba, Tyrese Gibson

(To see the official Bosom Bros 8: Bros 4 Life poster, click here.)

Let me just start this review by saying WOW. I mean WOW!!! I’d heard a lot of hype about this movie, mostly from Gavin my sister’s husband who’s rad and drives a Porsche his work gave him, so I was pretty worried there was no way for this movie to live up to all these expectations! But guess what?? If you’re talking the recipe for a perfect blockbuster, amigo, you’ve found it! There’s hot chicks, cars, explosions, hot chicks, bad guys, and did I mention the hot chicks??? I had no idea it was going to be so good, and now I’m kicking myself for not splurging on the Blu-ray right away, but honestly I don’t mind having two copies because you can never have too much awesome. I literally got on Amazon the minute it was over to try and pre-order the 3-D version—it is that good. And it’s like, you would think that you can’t make eight movies about the same thing and have them be cool as hell the whole time, but you would be WRONG.

I gotta admit, at first I was a little confused between all the male characters, The Rock, Willis, Vin Diesel, and Channing Tatum, swole kickass dudes who are bald. But I rewound a bunch of times and I think I get it. Basically, they are a crew of badass guys who are super close like brothers even though they all have their own thing. Like Bruce Willis is an old Army guy, Vin Diesel loves grapes, The Rock is like secretly a painter and he’s super good, and Channing has a huge dick. And they are all just living their lives until crime boss Tyrese does something to one of their cars or Jessica Alba, I don’t remember exactly because RIGHT AWAY The Rock or Vin Diesel drove this sweet cherried out Lambo INTO ANOTHER MOTHERFUCKING LAMBO!!! I know. I literally couldn’t believe how pumped I was after that stunt!!

Because Tyrese hires a bunch of Chinese gangsters—one of whom is Harold or Kumar, whichever the Chinese one is—to kidnap Jessica Alba, who is married to The Rock or Bruce Willis or she is one of their daughters or something, I think maybe like one is her dad, but the other one is her husband, anyway. The next thing you know we’re in Mexico and I guess Tyrese has like a cocaine farm there, and so BOOM all the bros jump out of a helicopter to land in Tyrese’s cocaine field even though Channing or The Rock is real skeptical his wife/daughter is there and thinks it’s a setup. But Vin Diesel is all like cracking super tough jokes and eating grapes so you feel like it’s gonna be okay, then as they jump out, THE HELICOPTER CRASHES INTO THREE OTHER HELICOPTERS that Tyrese has circling the island of Mexico and shooting at the bros. Then, those helicopters explode, AND THE BLADE FROM ONE CUTS KUMAR OR HAROLD’S HEAD OFF and the second helicopter CRASHES INTO A MEXICAN VOLCANO which totally explodes lava and you see it DESTROY A WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING VILLAGE. At this point I switched to Diet Mountain Dew because my heart could not take the action!!

So even though the bros are tight, they still have disagreements, especially The Rock and Vin Diesel. The Rock is maybe the toughest of all, like if you’re going bicep circumference or just overall swoleness, so he keeps how kickass he is at painting on the DL, and Vin Diesel starts accusing him of keeping secrets, and challenges him for leadership of the bros. Right away you can feel The Rock is ferosh in his role. Oooh man, I almost wanted to shout to Vin Diesel, don’t do it, dude!! Don’t get him mad!!!! But at the same time I’m like DO IT, THIS SHOWDOWN IS GONNA BE SO EPIC!!

Dudes, I don’t wanna ruin anything for you, but guess what, THE FIGHT WAS SOOO BRUTAL!! It was like, FISTS, MOUTH, HEADLOCK, GUT PUNCHES, GETTING THROWN OFF A TOWER INTO THE MEXICAN OCEAN, UNDERWATER FIGHT WITH KNIVES, LEG SWEEPS, HEAD BUTTS, GETTING THROWN OFF A TALLER TOWER, GRENADE FIGHT, INSULTS ABOUT EACH OTHER’S BALLS, SCRATCHING, LASER FIGHT, USING HEAD AS BONGO DRUM, BLEEDING, COMING TO A REASONABLE RESOLUTION THROUGH THE WISE WORDS OF ARMY DUDE BRUCE WILLIS AND SEXY DANCING OF CHANNING TATUM. I mean, CLASSIC!! The bros make up and The Rock finally tells Vin about his painting and Vin of course doesn’t make fun of him, how could The Rock ever think that, they are super tight bros.

Oh so the thing I forgot was Tyrese has Jessica Alba all pretending to be his girlfriend in this silver bikini and her boobs look HUUGE like way bigger than in Fantastic Four, maybe cause she had a baby since then but the point is Tyrese is basically screwing with the heads of the bros by like making Jessica Alba act like his girlfriend and like serve them drinks and wings, to get The Dees and The Rock all heated and lose focus on their mission because COME ON it’s their wife/daughter, and that shit is NOT cool. I was pretty surprised by Tyrese’s performance, I thought he was just another bald ripped dude who looked great but he was legit creepy in this role and made me mad and Jessica Alba isn’t even my wife/daughter, that’s REAL acting. So the two bros are getting pretty pissed at Tyrese and BAM they fall into his trap and suddenly there’s SYLVESTER MOTHERFUCKING STALLONE!!!

At this point in the review if you shit yourself, it’s totally understandable and no one would even blame you because WHAT A RAD SURPRISE. And he is just beating the bejesus out of the bros and it honestly seems like they aren’t fighting back that much because HE IS A GODDAMN LEGEND LET HIM DO WHAT HE WANTS. They are definitely gonna lose with that kind of attitude because Stallone is a BEAST and he’s aged really good like wine and Jessica Alba looks pretty worried because obviously who wants to screw Tyrese with his rapey eyes. BUT THEN out of nowhere, Bruce Willis and The Tate BURST THROUGH THE CEILING ON PARACHUTES and surprise take down Tyrese and Stallone, who barely loses because he is awesome. And Jessica Alba is so psyched she’s not gonna get raped she totally frenches Diesel or Rock, whichever one is not her dad and then everyone drives Hummers into the sunset and they play Kid Rock AND I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS THRILL RIDE IS OVER.

The bottom line is I’m gonna miss all of the bros, Vin, B-Willy, Rocktacular, The Chan-Chan Man, the whole crew, but I will be forever thankful for the powerful memories, and also I have this movie in regular and Blu-ray and soon 3-D and I hear they’re making BB 9 soon!!! Obviously, I highly recommend it, unless you’re a total moron who read this and still doesn’t want to see it, YOU ARE NOT WORTHY, IDIOT. Hope the rest of you guys love it like me, peace.

(Check me out on Twitter @that_dude_marcus!)

Sofiya is a writer and comedian who grew up in Odessa, Ukraine, and moved to LA at the age of 11. She performs standup all over LA, and produces three shows: a mystery-lineup comedy show called SURPRISE!, a standup show called Gonzo, and a reading show called Book Klub, featuring comedic readings of unintentionally funny things, from Juggalo pro-life poetry to your childhood diary. Last year she was named one of 18 Funny Women You Should Be Following on Twitter by Huffington Post. She's a Witstream contributor, and her tweets regularly appear on Splitsider, HuffPo, Mandatory, and HappyPlace. For show info and secrets about your past check out sofiyaalexandra.com.