Virgo (23 August – 23 September)
Yet again, you will begin David Copperfield. This time you get as far as Peggotty’s betrothal to Barkis—a personal record you will never surpass.
Celestial influencers: The dog-star is on the wane, but wheat futures are rising. Avoid blank verse and dairy products.
Libra (24 September – 23 October)
This week you will hemorrhage followers on Twitter but recoup them on Pinterest, which is great if you want hundreds of people to know how fiercely you crave cheesecake. Oh, what’s that? You do? Carry on then.
Celestial influencers: What looks like a meteor shower is actually a cosmic nudge that you should probably up your hygiene game.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November)
Beware your pincers, Scorpio—tempting romantic prospects will present themselves, and your job is not to squeeze them too hard. No one likes a clinger. Also, one of these prospects has a secret venereal disease, but Saturn hasn’t yet decided on the specifics.
Celestial influencers: Those aliens you met back in 1993? They’re readying a twenty-year anniversary present. You will not like it.
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December)
Jupiter holds sway over Sagittarius, but Sagittarius is holding some pretty incriminating intel on Jupiter, so it’s gonna be a tense week. Expect hail. In the meantime, return to that embryonic novel—don’t be coy, yes, the one you keep under your bed; something about college with an unreliable narrator. Found it? Good. Now set fire to the thing. This sacrifice will not appease Jupiter, but then nothing sends a message like a flaming novel on the front porch of a lit agent.
Celestial influencers: Elvis has been watching, and he has a bone to pick with you. (Presumably the hip-bone.)
Capricorn (22 December – 20 January)
Your goatish impulses will have special energy this month. As a counterbalance, take all your showers cold, or not at all. This strategy will handicap your libido while repelling potential lovers.
Celestial influencers: The Man in the Moon has developed a fervid sexual interest in you. Expect weird dreams involving Buzz Aldrin, a Speedo, and mysterious voiceovers from the Marquis de Sade.
Aquarius (21 January – 19 February)
Your guardian, Uranus, is AWOL after getting sick of all the jokes, leaving you at the mercy of the sun. Coat yourself in SPF 90 and sacrifice your favorite sentences to Saturn.
Celestial influencers: Your main influences are Dylan and Weezer. Your gigs are principally at hospitals.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March)
Your constellation is rich in protein but also in mercury. Avoid all non-processed foods and (while we’re at it) skim some of that Marx you’re always talking about but in fact have never read.
Celestial influencers: Beware the Ides of March, and also the Kalends of June. To figure out when those days actually happen, read Joseph Justius Scaliger’s De emendatione temporum. When you awake, Syria will have a new leader.
Ares (21 March – 20 April)
Your warlike mien will prove useful in an online skirmish over the latest Terrence Malick film. You then realize that you’re actually in the latest Terrence Malick film, and the attention is kind of exhilarating, but who knew life could feel this long?
Celestial influencers: Persephone, half-daughter of the underworld, will come to you in a vision and ask, “Those socks—really?”
Taurus (21 April – 21 May)
After pulling a muscle at hot yoga, you will sue Bikram Choudhury. Choudhury will settle out of court for 300 “karma points,” which you instantly squander by cheating on your significant other with Bikram Choudhury.
Celestial influencers: At your next trip to Denny’s, your stomach will have a disagreement with Moons over My Hammy. The two will then make up and discover a shared interest in the Russian formalists.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June)
After a tumultuous breakup, you swear off online dating, only to find love in a comments thread on pw.org. Against your better judgment, you agree to meet this person, who turns out to be your ex. Mournful, conflicted sex ensues, until the Starbucks assistant manager throws you out.
Celestial influencers: Venus looks like she could use some clothes, and possibly an arm or two, as well.
Cancer (22 June – 22 July)
You will finally decide to get that tattoo you’ve always wanted—the Magritte one. It’s a terrible idea, but nothing we say will stop you.
Celestial influencers: Mars eavesdrops on the international space-station, where one of the cosmonauts is really starting to lose it, and Pluto proves your saving grace. In turn, you launch a petition at whitehouse.gov to reclassify Pluto as a planet because, come on people, we can’t pretend the ’90s never happened.
Leo (23 July – 22 August)
Leo, you are a lion, not a lamb, so nut up and call that cute boy who runs inventory at the experimental mixed-media art gallery. He’s clean, well-educated, and gifted at crafting romantic bouquets out of pipe-cleaners and razor-blades.
Celestial influencers: This is a blessed week for you, as your zodiacal energy aligns for maximum good fortune and sexual potency. As is usual in such scenarios, the triune goddess will appear and ask you to define triune.
Ted Scheinman is a culture reporter based in Chapel Hill. He has written for the Oxford American Quarterly, the Los Angeles Review of Books, Pacific Standard, Slate, and various other screen- or print-based concerns. His first book of nonfiction will appear via Faber in late 2014. He once gave Sam Shepard his autograph, and Tilda Swinton once served him coffee. (We're really not kidding — click here!) Follow him on Twitter: @Ted_Scheinman.