Libra (24 September – 23 October)
Seeking a diversion from your daily life, you order stationery personalized under the name of one Fabien Cousteau. You replace your underwear with discreet bathing suits, live on seaweed salad, and purchase a goldfish, whose life, rapid decline, and gentle death you chronicle daily in a log. You will offer bubbly descriptions of your new enthusiasm for water sports—an enthusiasm that is taken the wrong way in mixed company. Your borrowed identity gets you the best tables and some hairy eyeballs at Red Lobster.
Celestial influencers: This is the week to sell the Star Wars paraphernalia you keep on your shelf out of faux-irony and true sentiment. Time to put away childish things, Libra—plus, the collector’s price for that glow-in-the-dark Obi Wan is at an all-time high.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November)
Seeking a methadone-like substitute to help wean you off your raging addiction to internet cat memes, you find a Tumblr dedicated to koalas. Seven hours of koalas later, you realize you need a milder buzz, and discover a Pinterest enthusiast with a fetish for squirrels. When you miss a deadline because squirrels are so damn cute when they hold their acorns, you’ll be restricted to hand-drawing and captioning sketches of rats on Post-It notes. Hang in there, Scorpio: you’re on the road to recovery now.
Celestial influencers: When the harvest moon aspects Uranus, you will enjoy a week of perfect hair days.
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December)
You know how sometimes the cosmos urge action in either your work or personal life, or else caution against impulsiveness with money? Relax: you must have slipped through some bureaucratic cracks in celestial admin because absolutely nothing you do this week will be of any consequence. Now is the time to dabble in illicit drugs or compose a poem.
Celestial influencers: All of your anxiety about having children can be traced to your too-early exposure to the Alien quadrilogy. Literally all of it.
Capricorn (22 December – 20 January)
Just as the sea-goat, your celestial avatar, was born of the unholy union of a goat and a fish, so too shall a fiscal abomination be born when you cash out your 401k and re-invest it in a moss-bottomed houseboat moored on an eerily quiet lake up north. Within the week you’ll be wearing a beer helmet out of unsmiling pragmatism; within two weeks you’ll have weighted and sunk the bodies of two not-small mammals.
Celestial influencers: When you find yourself in a tight spot this week, remember the immortal words of the late Bob Ross, host of The Joy of Painting: “Trees cover up a multitude of sins.”
Aquarius (21 January – 19 February)
Clever Aquarians! You’ve attracted an admirer: the stars say a special someone has noticed your wit and quick smile… you know this person from work!… no, wait, from your commute to work, it’s, let’s see… on the bus? The person you see so often on the bus! Oh, no… hang on… subtract for Saturn, carry the dog-star, aannnd… oh. Oh. It’s that person who panhandles at the bus station, the one with the dog and the strong feelings about Jewish people. Well. That’s still nice though.
Celestial influencers: You’ve spent your whole life looking for he/she/it. The stars have answered: there’s a plasma-based life form on Seti Alpha 7 who is your soul mate.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March)
Your jealous nature rebels when the man ahead of you in line gets the last banana-walnut muffin. You attempt to quench your anger at the injustice with a glazed cinnamon scone, but this surrogate pastry only makes you bitterer. Next time try a soothing yogurt parfait.
Celestial influencers: A promising third date closes with the discovery of a lovingly displayed collection of Star Wars memorabilia. Unless he offers you a deal on the Obi Wan, we say don’t bother.
Aries (21 March – 20 April)
You discover a sixth branch of the Law & Order franchise, Law & Order: UK, and spend five straight hours absorbing murders and sexual assaults that seem somehow more refined than their American counterparts. The next day at work you abuse a co-worker at volume, using colorful epithets such as “twat,” “donkey,” and “tosser.” When told of your sudden promotion in two weeks, cement your new status by responding, “I say. Brilliant!”
Celestial influencers: Your dead labradoodle Muffins will visit you in a dream and you’ll finally remember to get that taillight fixed.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May)
Whatever you do, don’t read Tom Wolfe’s I Am Charlotte Simmons, because it’s garbage. The stars have spoken!
Celestial influencers: A solar flare temporarily disables your smartphone one evening as you’re splitting a check at Bistro du Coin, leading you to the unpleasant discovery that you no longer know any arithmetic.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June)
Your dual nature finds you romantically torn between a stock futures analyst and a sex-haired guitarist. Your desire to balance these disparate interests finds you burning mix CDs for the analyst and writing checks for the guitarist. Whatever it takes to yin your yang, Gemini!
Celestial influencers: More romantic advice from our guru Bob Ross: “I like fishing, but I’m not a very good fisherman. I always throw the fish back into the water, just put a Band-Aid on his mouth, tap ‘im on the patootie and let him on his way. And maybe some day, if I’m lucky, I’ll get to catch him again.” Think about that, Gemini. Think about that.
Cancer (22 June – 22 July)
Owner of a blue Jetta? Your headlights are on.
Celestial influencers: Your twenty-two-year-old yoga instructor will catch you rolling your eyes as she illustrates a lesson in the Bhagavad Gita with a humorous anecdote about her cat. You will henceforth be charged for towel rental; please budget accordingly. Namaste.
Leo (23 July – 22 August)
We may be Leos but we ain’t lyin’: you are looking super fly this week. Oh yes you are. Mmm. Yes. Take yourself out to dinner solo and see what conversations find you. Tell your partner you were getting the car detailed. A little secrecy keeps you interesting, and a lot of margaritas make you fascinating.
Celestial influencers: Your friend Celeste has that sweater you were looking for.
Virgo (23 August – 23 September)
This week you will develop an app that is essentially a candy-colored digital Rube Goldberg machine that disables the user’s internet access for six minutes. It’s downloaded 450,000 times in its first hour in the App Store. Next week, The New York Times will cite your invention in a trend piece on society’s alleged desire to free itself from internet addiction, at which point it will effectively be rendered passé.
Celestial influencers: George Takei will retweet your catty remark about spoken-word albums. That fizzy sensation you feel is your fame peaking.
A.C. DeLashmutt is a Virginian living in New York. Her writing has appeared in McSweeney's, The Washington Post, theNewerYork, Flash magazine, and elsewhere. She also writes plays. Follow her on Twitter @acdelashmutt.