Virgo (23 August – 23 September)
A seemingly inconsequential professional request is actually a transformative personal experience in disguise. A sudden reappearance by an old friend is actually a seemingly inconsequential professional request in disguise. A door-to-door disguise salesman is actually an old friend in disguise.
Libra (24 September – 23 October)
There is a woman in your life, not too short but just short of tall, with brownish hair and greenish eyes and smallish breasts and skittish hands. Ask her to list her five favorite desserts, then buy them all. Arrange them on matching plates in a dark room and call out this woman’s name in your underwear. Eat nothing for the next ninety-six hours. Do not eat the desserts either. On the next full moon buy five more of those desserts and eat them right there in the bakery. Next time you see the woman again, propose marriage using only your eyebrows. Avoid Geminis.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November)
Open a bakery. Staff an extra person on full moons.
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December)
DO: Hiccup, tongue-click, hum, hoot, bellow, cackle, groan, wince, blurt. DON’T: Moan, sigh, bleat, cough, burp, belch, whistle, yell, holler, yodel, blow, screech, yowl, gasp.
Capricorn (22 December – 20 January)
A jolt from a malfunctioning toaster oven leaves you unable to make any facial expression other than that raised-eyebrow, tight-lipped, distracted half-smile everyone makes to coworkers when passing them in the hall. As a result, consensus spreads quickly around your office that you are the friendliest person on staff. A promotion awaits.
Aquarius (21 January – 19 February)
You, on the other hand, enter an office bathroom stall mere seconds before a coworker enters the next one over. Mutually mortified that you’ll be recognized as an office pooper, you both sit in silence, waiting until the other finishes and leaves. You both die in the bathroom. In a way this is the most devoted relationship you’ve ever had. Avoid Geminis.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March)
Walt and Jesse confront an unforeseen obstacle. Skyler is faced with a tough decision.
Aries (21 March – 20 April)
Bet on sports. Like, every match or event there is, no matter the game or your knowledge of it. Bet against yourself, with and without point spreads—just everything. Never stop betting on sports.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May)
Now is the time to realize your dream of a space-rock Sinatra tribute band called Flangers in the Night.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June)
No, I haven’t noticed anyone avoiding you lately. Why?
Cancer (22 June – 22 July)
Your positive attitude attracts a new love into your life! One who makes your heart skip a beat! One who makes you sing songs you never sang before, taste flavors more exotic than any you’ve ever known! Drag this man along, implying romantic attention and emotional commitment you could never trust yourself enough to actually deliver. Over the course of years, through wrenching break ups and ever-more-intense recommitments, slowly dissolve his will to live and then finally fake your own death. Remember: living your best life takes patience.
Leo (23 July – 22 August)
You will grow fins. A new one each day, until you are nothing but a walking pile of fins.
John Lingan has written for the American Prospect, The Los Angeles Review of Books, Slate, The Morning News, and other places.