Libra (24 September – 23 October)
You are beginning to learn the importance of managing expectations! At a work lunch, you impress colleagues with an incisive remark about the government shutdown. Recognizing your mistake, you hastily sneeze-vomit tomato basil soup on Chad from Sales.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November)
Ripple effects from a heliomagnetic repolarization finally reach Pluto. Buy Preparation H.
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December)
A viral video prompts your roommate to insist upon teaching you a very complicated dance that is only useful under very specific circumstances. Having masturbated that morning in your shared bathroom, you consent out of guilt. Cohabitation is a game of compromise.
Capricorn (22 December – 20 January)
A keenly worded post on Facebook garners many “likes,” though not enough to fill the hole that opened inside you when you first began soliciting the approval of the internet.
Aquarius (21 January – 19 February)
Time to get serious about the future, Aquarius. Have you thought any more about law school? Carol Duffy’s daughter, Meredith—do you remember Meredith Duffy?—she just graduated law school and Carol says she has a job at one of those big downtown firms. MacGruber Earley. Or… MacGruder? Anyway she just bought a condo with her fiancé, whom yup, she met there in law school. And, well, you always seemed like you had a good mind for law. Student government and all. Not everybody has that, you know—that’s a talent, a real in-demand skill! And, you know, listen, I know waiting tables isn’t as easy as it always seems, but at a certain point you have to—all right, well, I’ll drop it for now. But, just in case, I picked up some LSAT books and put them in the mail. Promise me you’ll at least take a look? OK, that’s all, I won’t say anything else about that. Moving on, next subject, ha ha! Are you seeing anyone?
Pisces (20 February – 20 March)
The missing puzzle piece finally appears during your biannual dust-busting of the couch cushions, only to reveal itself, upon further inspection, as an old scab.
Aries (21 March – 20 April)
A lackluster joke, received via text from a romantic interest, leaves you conflicted over how many “ha”s to text in response. You wisely settle on two, but your sloppily typed reply is autocorrected to “hagiography.” This pratfall excites your beloved, who grew up in a strict Catholic household and has always been secretly aroused by Alban Butler’s Lives of the Saints. Stock up on rosaries.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May)
Whatever you do, wherever you go, remember always to ask yourself: is this optimizing my brand?
Gemini (22 May – 21 June)
A chance encounter with a charismatic stranger will be either the opportunity of a lifetime, or another false positive in a world so thoroughly saturated with received ideas about happiness and self-actualization that it has become impossible to tell where the incoherent crazyquilt of spiritual and corporate messaging ends and you begin. Anyway, try not to think about it too much.
Cancer (22 June – 22 July)
Make a special effort to keep old friends this month—even the dead ones! Be sure the embalming wine is fragrant. Keep your incisions clean. Use plenty of Natron insulation to eliminate moisture. Get the good rubbing oil for maximum skin elasticity. Sew some surprise artifacts into the sarcophagal lining. Best friends forever!
Leo (23 July – 22 August)
The partial alignment of Mars and Venus indicates that you are bound for good fortune, boobs-wise.
Virgo (23 August – 23 September)
An unhealthy obsession with detail has blinded you to the beautiful things in life. Try watching more sunsets. Watch the sunset every day. Study these sunsets carefully. Make note of variations in size, coloring, angle to the horizon. Keep records. Make your viewing conditions as consistent as possible; spontaneity will only ruin it. For maximum focus and appreciation, view the sunsets alone. Never, ever look away from the sun.
Steve Kolowich is a willing but deeply confused citizen of the internet. His work has appeared in various publications and will probably never disappear. You can follow him on Twitter @stevekolowich, and you can also follow him in real life—if you can figure out where he lives, which wouldn't be that hard.