Libra (24 September – 23 October)
This week, avoid Venetian blinds. That is to say: avoid blind men from Venice. They mean only mischief.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November)
The partial alignment of Mercury and Saturn in the third act of Alfonso Cuaròn’s Gravity does wonders for sales of Hanes, especially after Sandra Bullock shakes her weightless fundament. Invest heavily in underwear futures and divest entirely from Keanu Reeves, who was passed over for the Clooney role because “the only thing less eventful than deep space is Keanu’s face.”
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December)
Sagittarius, you are a truth-seeker and a firm friend, two roles that sometimes clash. This week, an inconvenient truth about a friend leaves you in a bind—do you tell him you saw his forty-five-minute CMNF performance on RedTube.com? The answer appears at minute twenty-two of the video, when your sister enters the proceedings. Family first, Sagittarius.
Capricorn (22 December – 20 January)
Why are you still sitting on that pile of unpublished Star Trek erotica? The world needs to know the recreational applications of the Tribble-tickler—not to mention the Klingon term for “watersports.” A financial windfall awaits.
Aquarius (21 January – 19 February)
A cold war ensues when your mother “wonders” whether perhaps you’re a bit old to remain on the family cell-phone plan. Damn the torpedoes, Aquarius; you’re a peace-lover, but you also don’t have $29/mo. to spare for your data plan. Gently suggest that “perhaps I’ll spend Thanksgiving with Gary’s family, they do a really nice spread, all vegan of course but if you breathe through your mouth you won’t tell the difference.” That should buy you about five years of subsidized tweeting.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March)
Rejoice! This week you will meet your soulmate at the 2013 Former Farmers of America conference. The wedding reception will be catered by Monsanto, one way or another.
Ares (21 March – 20 April)
Breakups are hard, Ares—we recommend diet and exercise.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May)
Foreclosure is hard, Taurus—we recommend diet and exercise.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June)
Amputation above the knee is hard, Gemini—we recommend lots of opium. You got a guy? That’s cool. We’ve got a guy.
Cancer (22 June – 22 July)
If a tree falls in a forest and the only person around to hear it gets crushed by the trunk, does that count as a pre-existing condition?
Leo (23 July – 22 August)
Your namesakes (Tolstoy, DiCaprio, Durocher, et al.) appear to you in a dream, performing an interpretive synchronized-swimming routine that helps cure your sexual dysfunction (yes, the one that ruined last year’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner). The bad news: now you get aroused only by the imagined sound of Leo Durocher verbally abusing the bullpen of the 1941 Brooklyn Dodgers. Hot!
Virgo (23 August – 23 September)
Ugh. There is nothing so bourgeois as a “crisis of confidence,” Virgo. Stand behind your work—proud! resolute! Brook no doubters, including yourself. Behave like you’re on a mission from God. Remember: nothing guarantees happiness like uninterrogated faith in one’s own righteous divinity. Just ask Louis XVI, or Ted Cruz.
Ted Scheinman is a culture reporter based in Chapel Hill. He has written for the Oxford American Quarterly, the Los Angeles Review of Books, Pacific Standard, Slate, and various other screen- or print-based concerns. His first book of nonfiction will appear via Faber in late 2014. He once gave Sam Shepard his autograph, and Tilda Swinton once served him coffee. (We're really not kidding — click here!) Follow him on Twitter: @Ted_Scheinman.