Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December)
The key to love is knowing what makes you happy, Sagittarius. There is a stuffed animal from your childhood, uniquely yours, which you created in the second grade using a random assemblage of felt-and-cotton body parts. His name was Zoogelsnook, and you loved him. Your ideal mate has a similar anatomy, and is also named Zoogelsnook. Good luck out there!
Capricorn (22 December – 20 January)
As long as you’re following your dreams, Capricorn, why not follow a few of your nightmares? Wander the halls of your high school or workplace naked. Forget about, and neglect to prepare for, that big exam or presentation. Remove all your teeth with pliers. Do not, under any circumstances, die.
Aquarius (21 January – 19 February)
Jupiter Quincunx Uranus. It doesn’t go well. The name of the game this month, Aquarius, is know your boundaries.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March)
This is a season for mending fences, Pisces. Take an inventory of all the people you have fantasized about wronging this month, and write each a personal letter detailing precisely what you wished you could have done to them, and why. Illustrations are encouraged. A good friend is an honest friend.
Ares (21 March – 20 April)
Mercury is in retrograde, which means it’s only a matter of time before it becomes popular again. You secure a loan to open a small shop on a gentrifying block of an up-and-coming city, where you sell artisanal mercury to taste-conscious young professionals.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May)
It is a new moon and a season of renewal, Taurus, a time to cleanse your body and mind of past burdens. Retreat to the country, shave off all your body hair, and eat only clear food for one month. Reemerge as New You! Try out different ways of smiling, laughing, expressing disapproval. Wink at absolutely everybody. Treat old enemies as new friends, and treat old friends as insane strangers. Take solace against their umbrage in the knowledge that you are taking part in the proud American tradition of self-reinvention!
Gemini (22 May – 21 June)
What if you got a parrot? I’m not saying you should, necessarily—I’m just saying, you know, what if?
Cancer (22 June – 22 July)
You continue to worry that your social awkwardness is terminal. What you really need is a catchphrase. “Flerpy-derpy-doo!” Something like that. Spill wine on your date? “Flerpy-derpy-doo!” Fart on the subway? “Flerpy-derpy-doo!” Called in for questioning by the police? “Flerpy-derpy-doo!” Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha oh people love catchphrases.
Leo (23 July – 22 August)
Saturn Sextile Pluto. Really explicit stuff, too. You can see Saturn’s southern vortex and everything. Unfortunately for Saturn, Pluto abuses this trust by forwarding it to all his friends. Think twice about sexual gambits this month.
Virgo (23 August – 23 September)
Keep your eye on Trevor. Trevor is up to something. Look at him over there, scheming. What is he up to? You have your suspicions, but that isn’t enough—you need proof! Get close to Trevor. Learn his habits, his likes and his dislikes. Gain his trust, learn his scent, get to know his friends, his family. Marry Trevor. Start a family of your own, grow old together, die in each other’s arms, surrounded by your loving children and grandchildren, whispering with your final breath: “Trevor, you are not fooling anybody.”
Libra (24 September – 23 October)
A flirtatious game of “Slide” ends, predictably, with coitus.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November)
Your intellectual insecurity comes to a head. You suffer a breakdown, followed by an epic bender, followed by a moment of clarity in which you realize that brilliance is secondary to relevance. You apply for, and receive, a MacArthur grant to rewrite The Waste Land as a series of listicles, beginning with “27 Reasons Why April Sucks.”
Steve Kolowich is a willing but deeply confused citizen of the internet. His work has appeared in various publications and will probably never disappear. You can follow him on Twitter @stevekolowich, and you can also follow him in real life—if you can figure out where he lives, which wouldn't be that hard.