Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December)
Take a walk, Sag! You might just find your next bedmate while on a stroll around the neighborhood. Look under rocks; riffle through take-out containers. Collect string, hair, and other debris. Mash roots and berries for paste, and spend careful time arranging your findings into a realistic torso and head. This could be a match made in the heavens!
Capricorn (22 December – 20 January)
Oh, Capricorn, you old bitch. Stop should-ing and start do-ing! Throw glitter in the air! Experiment with leathers! Fucking EAT leather! You don’t even have to like leather for all I care. Will Gaia call you weird? Probably, yes. Still, nothing is more powerful than a rolled-up tube of leathers. NOTHING. It could steamroll a phalanx of Spartans if need be. God, I just… I love it.
Aquarius (21 January – 19 February)
I don’t have a whole lot to say about you right now, Aquarius, and frankly I’m not sure you’ve earned a horoscope this week. You’re so goddamn needy—“what do I dooooo?” Guess what? I can’t keep coming up with stupid lies to prop up your saggy self-esteem. I’m not a magician, Aquarius. I’m just a girl with a pocket full of dreams and sand. Stop looking at my shoes. You get nothing.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March)
Ah, Pisces, you are the proverbial shoulder-to-lean-on for the entire zodiac this month. Lots of sad faces walking around these days. Lots of people thinking, “I haven’t gotten an email since David fucking Plouffe.” Or, “I can’t believe I’m trapped in this body for my whole life. I hate it. I hate myself. I am a prisoner of myself. A PRISONER.” But seriously: David Plouffe. I don’t know what happened there. You were really aggressive, and the minute I showed interest you just disappeared? Call me, you old rascal.
Aries (21 March – 20 April)
Feeling antsy? With Jupiter in Aries, it’s a good time to travel abroad! Book a weekend in Paris or go on a cooking tour of Italy. Want to go to South America? Probably best not to. Africa? Super iffy and not really my vibe. Asia? I mean… I don’t know. Just, be normal. Go somewhere a normal person would go.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May)
Gemini (22 May – 21 June)
Isn’t it time you got out of those soily clamdiggers and glammed it up for a night with your closest girlfriends? With Mars going retrograde, now is the time to make a killer impression. Let your hair down! Show a little cleavage! Cut yourself with knives! Cry at CVS! Have active Candida! It’s FINE. I DON’T CARE.
Cancer (22 June – 22 July)
Poor Cancer. You’ve probably found yourself asking “Who watches the watchmen?” a lot lately. And that’s a fair question. Who does watch Watchmen? This month, you do. It’s not that great a movie, but there are moments where there’s this really big blue guy and he is walking around and you can see his pee-pee! Spoiler: dude’s emphatically a shower, not a grower.
Leo (23 July – 22 August)
I have two words for you to focus on this week, Leo: “Reptile stuff.” GO!
Virgo (23 August – 23 September)
Virgo, be on the lookout this week for offers that seem too good to be true. If you buy a Snuggie, do not send in the eight-dollar rebate. There is small print on the back that automatically enrolls you in this weird program and then you have to call these people and they put you on hold just so you’ll hang up and it’s just a nightmare. Best to eat the eight dollars and just know you have to buy the CVS brand hand sanitizer instead of the chic one that comes in a pen.
God, that pen one is so elegant.
Libra (24 September – 23 October)
Do you have a bed and a toilet? Do you have water and a cup to drink from? Then stop looking for more in this world because you’re fine. Sleep in your bed. Drink your water. This is what life is. A dark nothing. An empty space between parentheses. We are all just haggis, organs shoved into a skin bag. Congratulations on nothing.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November)
Mercury in retrograde has really had you singing the blues this month. Take a lesson from Stella and get your groove back with a fun spiced latte, a flirty going-out top, or a silly new barrette. With Neptune in your twelfth house, its also a great time to check in with your buttholes. (Both of them!)
Maggie Mull is a writer and artist, born, raised and living in Los Angeles. She is the creator of Doppelthingers, an online collection of things that look like other things.