Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December)
On Christmas morning, your mother—who continues to insist you’d look “so much prettier” with side bangs—gives you that year-long eHarmony membership you vehemently refused all fall.
Unrelated: Your lucky numbers this week are Xanax, Prozac, Zoloft, Klonopin, ketamine, and alcohol.
Capricorn (22 December – 20 January)
Why drop $60,000 on an MFA in Carnal Writing, Cap, if you’re not going to sext on your dumbphone? Quit whining that “mine doesn’t even have a camera” and whip out those big, adjectival guns: quivering, heaving, turgid, TUMESCENT. Slap a parenthetical onto some equal signs so it looks like a dong. When you “climax,” shoot your significant other no fewer than 160 exclamation points. Trust us: Women go nuts for this stuff.
Aquarius (21 January – 19 February)
For Christmas this year, you forgo traditional presents in favor of charitable donations in your siblings’ names. Stopping Schistosomiasis is super-rewarding; Deworming the World, totally noble; but your sister’s uncomfortable half-smile on the 25th proves the greatest gift of all.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March)
Whatever you do, don’t Google Image-search “bedsores.”
Aries (21 March – 20 April)
You’re a lovely person, A, but if you ever want that scruffy barista to strike up a not-so-polite conversation, you must lean out of the laptop glow. MacBook lighting makes people look like anemic Avatars, all wan and spooky-blue, which might be flattering if Starbucks were the name of a sci-fi convention and not a shelter for battered screenplays.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May)
Long-overdue changes to Santa’s operation: (1) He’s replaced the elves with gnomes, who are more compact, efficient tinkerers and get along famously with most animals, including reindeer; (2) Santa, a closet American history buff, has renamed the reindeer after some of his favorite US presidents—George, James, Abe, Teddy, Woody, Frank, Harry, and Barry (when asked for which James the deer was named, the big man huffed, “Don’t make me choose!”); (3) In lieu of a lump of coal—and this applies directly to you, Taurus—naughty kids now receive a Gerard Butler DVD. Any Gerard Butler DVD.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June)
The bad news: You’ve been diagnosed with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). The worse news: That acronym is so flaccid, impotence can’t be far behind.
Cancer (22 June – 22 July)
What say we keep the resolutions small and plausible this year, Big C? Like, no more 2 a.m. “Mom and Pop” (Dance Moms-and-microwave-popcorn) binges. Or, no more leaving your MasterCard in between cab cushions no matter how absorbed you are in your backseat buddy’s (heretofore unknown!) mouth. You have to crawl before you can walk—let alone Run Every Day—and right now you are passed out in the back of a taxi.
Leo (23 July – 22 August)
Kimchi Tuesdays haven’t exactly spiced up your relationship, have they? Sigh. Anyway, probably time to start thinking divorce.
Virgo (23 August – 23 September)
23andMe results show elevated risks for Restless Legs and Restless Lungs Syndromes, causing you to hyperventilate and run circles around your bed. Anecdotal evidence suggests elevated risks for hypochondria and stubbed toes. This message brought to you by the US Food and Drug Administration.
Libra (24 September – 23 October)
Whatever asinine “Machiavellian” schemes are brewing in that gnawed wad of gum you call a brain, they will be thwarted at the office Christmas party, where you repeatedly bend at the knees, stage whisper about a “power grope,” and squeeze everything with two hands.
Unrelated: HR would like to speak with you re: your behavior at the office Christmas party. Please bring a box full of your things.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November)
Dance like you haven’t been drinking. Love like your neighbor isn’t listening. Laugh like you’ve never seen Requiem for a Dream.
Evan Allgood's work has appeared in McSweeney's, The Millions, LA Review of Books, The Toast, and The Billfold. He lives in Brooklyn and contributes regularly to Paste. Follow and maybe later unfollow him on Twitter @evoooooooooooo.