Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December)
A new moon for you this week, Sagitarius! Try not to ruin it like all your other moons.
Capricorn (22 December – 20 January)
Do not blame the economy for your scant career prospects, Capricorn. Blame instead your inability to cynically ingratiate yourself to strangers in your extended professional network. Quit being such a weirdo and start Like-bombing your future boss’s Instagram account—as a normal person would.
Aquarius (21 January – 19 February)
Expect fantastic news this week, Aquarius. Make sure to keep your phone on, and closely monitor your mailboxes; this fantastic news could come from anywhere. If by the end of the week you have not received fantastic news, then surely you have overlooked it. Reexamine all incoming communication for subtext. If no fantastic news can be found, systematically contact everybody in your address book to ask if they meant to send you fantastic news. You must claim your fantastic news, Aquarius, whatever it takes.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March)
You google “Bikram yoga,” and decide, Nope.
Aries (21 March – 20 April)
Don’t sneeze this week, Aries. Unless you’re left-handed. If you’re left-handed, sneeze a lot. If you are ambidextrous, sneeze the normal amount—but absolutely not any more or less than normal. I’ll spare you the why, but suffice it to say your facial symmetry hangs in the balance.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May)
In texts and emails, your principled refusal to use exclamation points to convey anything but genuine shock or excitement has come at greater cost to your social capital than you ever imagined! The sooner you adjust to the inflated currencies of modern punctuation, the sooner your perspective will be seen as valuable by your friends and colleagues!!!
Gemini (22 May – 21 June)
Meteor showers intervene in Mercury’s orbit. Expect a higher-than-normal count of mystery bruises by Sunday morning.
Cancer (22 June – 22 July)
After a 479th straight defeat at the hands of the New York Times Sunday crossword, you calmly remove your liberal arts degree from its frame, burn it, and mail the ashes to Will Shortz. You wake the next morning with a merciful absence of dread, which lasts most of the day—until Jeopardy!, when the battle for your self-respect begins anew.
Leo (23 July – 22 August)
Determined to finish your holiday shopping early for once, you brave the mall to hunt for gifts for loved ones. Your plan is derailed, however, by a detour to Best Buy, where you are sucked in by a demo version Grand Theft Auto V. You finally emerge uneasily into the sunlight in mid-January, having forgotten your name and the names of anyone you might have been shopping for.
Virgo (23 August – 23 September)
You resolve to master the lost art of winking. Not just the Flirtatious Wink, but also the Conspiratorial Wink (for proposing nonsexual allegiances) and the Reassuring Wink (for mollifying anxious children). Unfortunately, nobody else seems interested in making these distinctions, and you are asked to leave the roller rink.
Libra (24 September – 23 October)
Forget your routine today, Libra. Shake off the moss and do something unexpected! … But not anything that will put you behind schedule on work, as that would mean stress down the line. And nothing so out-of-character that it might alienate your friends or family, as you don’t want to be seen as loopy and unreliable. And certainly nothing that would come at the expense of your downtime, or put you off your diet, or make you miss any of your shows, or otherwise foul up your precious routine, upon which you rely for your sanity.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November)
The office holiday party will once again show itself to be a cruel trick your company plays on its loneliest and most indiscreet employees. But you won’t be fooled again, Scorpio. You wisely skip the party, opting instead for a bar where you have to pay for your drinks but run no risk of reenacting Miley Cyrus’s VMA routine in front of your supervisor.
Steve Kolowich is a willing but deeply confused citizen of the internet. His work has appeared in various publications and will probably never disappear. You can follow him on Twitter @stevekolowich, and you can also follow him in real life—if you can figure out where he lives, which wouldn't be that hard.