The Weather

A Field Guide to Flirting for the Awkward and Single

As we all know being single is a horrific affliction. It’s social leprosy, and it’s unacceptable of you—you ogre. However, if you emerge from whatever bridge you’ve been living under and follow my simple plan you will have the entire room smitten. In fact, bookmark this on your phone and go mingle right now. Read and execute, my friends.

Initial Meeting

Men, when you see something you like across a room make direct eye contact and hold. Initially choose a random body part and zero in rather than go right in for the direct eye contact. Focus on your target. Your ideal countenance will feature a mix of intense concentration and a bit of constipation. Do not blink. Blinking is a weakness. This will feel uncomfortable in the beginning, but that’s only because of how intimate it is. Do not divert your stare if they notice! Instead, slowly lower your eye-gaze—now is the time to make direct eye contact—then casually lick your lips and continue to resist blinking.

Ladies, let the guy think he’s making the first move. Draw him in with body language. Sit on a chair, arch your back… No, arch it more. Good. Now cross your legs, run your fingers through your hair, put your chin down, shoulders back, suck your stomach in, stick your chin out a bit… No double chins here!

Have an opening line ready. Something that will connect you on a deep level. Such as “Do you sleep?” or “Do you eat?” (If the answer is “I’m on a liquid diet,” abort.)

Conversational Skills

While attempting to converse with a prospective mate you must only talk about yourself. This ensures a continuous conversational flow.

Guys, if another male is so brazen as to dare greet the woman to whom you’re expressing interest—assert your dominance. Freak out internally. Squirm in your chair and make odd sounds as though you’re having trouble digesting.

Also remember to come up with compliments specific to each woman. For example, “You have really nice eyes” or “you smile.” Make yourself memorable! OR let them know they have an amazing body, but only if you haven’t already said hello. A normal greeting will negate the WOW factor.

After complimenting a woman, don’t forget to then subtly put her down by calling her an idiot. After being insulted, a girl will value herself less and therefore be more interested in pursuing your company! This is especially true if she’s “hot” and gets a lot of male attention. Stand out from the competition!

Girls, be very snarky and judgmental. Call all other girls ugly and pick apart every small flaw. You will seem confident and secure!

Talk about very personal things right away. In fact, men, don’t hold back tears. Women love emotions! Hahaha you know us women!! Love it! In fact we are all so desperate for commitment, please tell us you love us the first time we meet. Women can’t refuse!

Begin to laugh loudly and enthusiastically for no apparent reason. When they ask “what’s funny?” switch gears quickly to anger, and scream “NOTHING!!” After a few seconds pass begin to giggle to yourself softly while delicately rocking back and forth. This will be mysterious! Being swaddled in mystery is very attractive. Be so mysterious that they aren’t even sure that you’re human.

If your prospective mate seems unimpressed, unresponsive, or preoccupied, then rest assured, he or she is interested in you. They are playing hard to get and you should step up your game. Just get their phone number from someone else. That’s what they’re hoping you’ll do. This is all a game. Never ever quit.

Personality

Guys LOVE different and quirky girls. Be as odd as possible. Pee yourself. It’ll give them a story and it’s super quirky!

And ladies, I want to see you happy, bubbly, and smiling without ceasing! Dance and sing loudly at every possible moment to prove you are fun-loving and carefree! If all eyes aren’t on you then you don’t love life enough! LIVE LAUGH LOVE! <3

What To Do With Your Face

Smile with a cute half smile. This may give them the impression you’ve suffered a mild stroke, but you will look coy and sexy.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again—the eyes are so very important. Don’t blink, guys. Maintain unbroken eye contact. If this goes on long enough you will connect on an emotional soul-baring level. If you’re a girl, you’re going to want to make your eyes look as large as possible—like Zooey Deschanel. Stretch those puppies out! Like you don’t have eyelids! Raise your eyebrows and smile big! I also suggest rapidly batting your eyelashes like a hummingbird’s wings at random intervals. This is what doe-eyed beauties do. It’s coy and shows you’re an alert person.

Girls, keep your lips pouty and your mouth hanging open ever so slightly at all times. Show him that you’re listening and don’t stop nodding. Never stop nodding and smiling and REMEMBER THE DOE EYES! Don’t be like everyone else! Don’t even be like yourself. Be super strange and unforgettable!

Jess Beckett is an accountant by day, and still lives with her parents by night. People who shower consistently and use wallets inspire her. She can be seen on sites such as Thought Catalog, HelloGiggles, and the Billfold. Her blog can be found at www.thepennyledger.com.