Harold Stumpf is not a chef. He’s not a foodie, or even a blood donor. He’s just a proud library card holder and lover of Lit’l Smokie cocktail links. And, after years of what Stumpf describes as “just tryin’ weird shit out,” he has finally completed a cookbook of his choice Smokie ‘cipes, titled 24-hour Smokie People, due out this spring. Here, for the first time, are a few of his top preparations:
1. Pour three bags of Smokies into a microwave-safe dish. Cover with a damp paper towel.
2. Heat for twenty-five seconds and remove.
3. Cover bowl with a sopping beach towel, preferably wet with rainwater.
4. Heat for three hours on high.
5. Serve with a vintage cheese and myriad—myriad—broccoli wands.
1. Melt butter in a small saucepan on medium heat. Put some vinegar in there, maybe. Just to see if it does something cool. It might not. I’m not a fucking soothsayer.
2. Lay two crusty bread hooves in the buttered jus. For extra flavor, pour in a lot of milk. Like A LOT a lot. Let it get weird and cool.
3. Fuck yeah!
4. In the meantime, using a mandoline, julienne your Smokies into fine curled ribbons, about the width and consistency of classic Canadian meat socks. (Note: Do not confuse with Greek meat socks!)
5. Sprinkle julienned Smokies onto one of the milky bread hooves, and place a block of Gruyere on top. Top with the second milky bread hoof.
6. Serve with HotHouse or Oriental Mystery flavor crystals.
Hot Fogg Smokies
1. Pack seven to twenty Lit’l Smokies into a purse or leather pouch (for eXXXtreme smokiness use the drawstring variety most frequently employed in jewel crafts).
2. Go to Benihana or other local hibachi favorite.
3. Request a fork like a normal fucking American.
4. During the Hibachi Onion Volcano Experience©, use your fork to spear your Smokies from your pouch and surreptitiously place them, one by one, into the wet maw of the Onion-Volcano©.
5. When an ochre-ish vapor begins to rise from the Volcano, your Hot Fogg Smokies are ripe for the pickin’.
6. Insider’s tip: Ask the chef to have your fried rice “fogged” for even MORE flavor.
1. Put Smokies in a glass. Pour in Scotch.
1. Using a Power Glove or Titan’s Mitt shove Lit’l Smokie’s into the compartments of a muffin tin until they appear purpled or grey.
2. Bake at any temperature for three minutes.
3. Serve luke-warm.
1. Using a skewer, spear, Chinese ji, wraith’s javelin, or Swiss voulge, pierce two Lit’l Smokie’s and burn to a crisp over a scented candle.
2. When Smokie’s are completely ashen, sandwich between two Smokie rafts (one Smokie raft = four Smokies sewn together with Smokie sinews).
3. For even more xXflavorXx sandwich your Smokie rafts inside a Smokie Sleeve (one Smokie sleeve = two Smokie rafts embroidered together with yarn) and baptize with Flavor Crystals.
1. Boil two lbs. of Lit’l Smokies in a jigger of lime juice, a pinch of sugar, seventeen ginger curls, your favorite spiced rum, and a “fisherman’s dick” of soda water. Thicken with flour, or old sweatshirts. Use Jamaican paste for added essence!
2. Let cool for two to three minutes.
3. Invite your worst friends over.
3. Serve the now-gravy over ice and garnish with a bookmark.
Maggie Mull is a writer and artist, born, raised and living in Los Angeles. She is the creator of Doppelthingers, an online collection of things that look like other things.