The Millay Diary

Process

Days 2 and 3

Dear Diary,

Well it’s been a couple days so you are probably wondering how things are going here at artist camp, the answer is real good writing-wise but real stupid and annoying people-wise, except for Laurel of course she is the best. More on that later but first I should give you an idea what my regimen is like here, this will be a postmodern kind of writing move, sometimes entire books are just made up of lists and recipes and schedules and stuff, I know I can’t believe it either. Anyway here’s what the last two days have been like, I’m going to put it in military time like my dad does so if you don’t get it you’ll just have to google it or ask a pilot or something:

11:30 – Wake up, wipe eye-boogers from eyes

11:32 – Walk to bathroom and pee

11:34 – Walk to kitchen, pour tall glass of OJ and HUUUUUGE bowl of Lucky Charms with 2% milk

11:35 – Eat HUUUUUGE bowl of Lucky Charms with 2% milk

11:42 – Take multivitamin with rest of OJ, stick dirty dishes in sink so Agnes won’t be steamed

11:44 – Walk to bathroom and brush teeth with Rembrandt toothpaste, I know it’s more expensive but girls appreciate a nice set of pearly whites, trust me

11:46 – Spit

11:47 – Walk to studio, sit down, open laptop, and get cracking

11:48 – Write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write

14:00 – Snack time! White chocolate macadamia Clif bar, accept no substitutes, especially not black cherry almond, are you kidding me? Black cherry almond tastes like prank candy, I’m surprised it doesn’t stain your mouth black or cherry or something

14:30 – Write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write

18:00 – Close laptop, pat self on the back, nice job self you are writing up a storm, you are a unstoppable tornado of words wrecking everything in your path

18:02 – Walk to bedroom, lock door to keep out peeping toms and tammies

18:03 – Change out of PJs into running clothes and shoes

18:04 – Unlock and shut door and exit bedroom/house

18:05 – Run fast through the fields and forests of Auschwitz keeping eyes peeled for bears and deers and other critters (fingers crossed!!)

18:40 – World’s fastest shower, no dilly-dallying because dinner is almost ready, but don’t get hopes up cause it’s never meaty enough

19:00 – Dinner with the other artists yaaaaaaaaaaaay GAG

19:30 – Stick dirty dishes in sink so Agnes won’t be steamed, walk to bedroom

19:31 – Lock door and read comic book while artists except Jason hang out in living room talking “craft” and “perspective” and “process” yaaaaaaaaaaaaay BARF

22:00 – Finally Lennon and his band of pretentious nitwits shut up so I can hang with Laurel in her studio, listening to music and talking about music and the comic I just read, she likes the art and sometimes we talk about collaborating, which means I would write the comic book and Laurel would do the drawings

00:00 – Bedtime! I am worthless if I don’t get my eleven and a half hours, sometimes I try to burn the candle on both ends, but it melts fast and I have a real waxy mess on my hands so I try not to do that very often.

(These times are approximate but this is basically what it’s been like the first few days, and I think it’s a pretty good regimen so I will probably stick to it.)

One thing that happened that isn’t in the schedule is yesterday I found one of Abraham’s fat stupid books in my studio, I guess he thinks he’s a real hot shot publishing a book that fat. The book was called LIBERTY and it had a bird on the cover, real original right, using birds as a metaphor, never seen that before in a story or poem!!!!!!!! I read like twenty pages and was bored out of my gourd so now I’m using LIBERTY as a doorstop because it’s so fat and when the wind rolls through the house my studio door has a bad habit of swinging open, which yanks me out of The Zone. (The Zone = The Writing Zone, a mental frame of mind where I do my best stuff, if you’re not a writer you probably wouldn’t get it.) So I guess it’s kinda fitting that LIBERTY is giving me liberty from Abraham and the other annoying artists who like to chat in the living room all the time, I mean give me a break are Laurel and I the only ones in Auschwitz to work on our arts? I feel like everyone else talks about art more than they actually make it, that would be like someone telling you they’re a basketball player and then you realize they don’t actually PLAY, they just like to wear jerseys and go to games and talk about playing all the time. I mean if Michael Jordan did that nobody would even know who he is, he would be a total zero not the star of Space Jam and various underwear commercials and things.

Another thing that happened that isn’t in the schedule is last night it was Heather’s birthday, she is 33 like Jesus when he bit the bullet, so all the other artists wanted to drink wine and play games and things, and I just wanted to read my comic but Laurel really wanted me to come out of my bedroom and hang so I agreed because we’re friends, and it was AWFUL. Every time I opened my mouth Lennon would laugh or Abraham would say “Right…” like I wasn’t right at all, and Heather is too much of a space cadet to make any sense and Agnes doesn’t seem to like me even though I leave the dishes in the sink so they can get clean, and Jason is practically a ghost. They think it’s weird that I don’t drink even though it’s just healthy and smart, I almost felt like I was getting peer pressured from Lennon who always sniffs things before he drinks them, he also calls wine “vino” which is pretty much the most obnoxious thing I ever heard in my life. I don’t even think he’s Italian, if anyone’s Italian it’s Jason, give me a break, I took Latin in high school and college and you don’t hear me spouting off fancy foreign words to impress the ladies.

Anyway after they all got drunk and stupid we started playing a game called Apples to Apples, which is normally a real fun game and I’m normally real good at it, I always play the funniest cards at the most opportune moments, but last night I finished in last place. Heather won which was nice since it was her birthday, but at the end we all examined the cards we had accumulated and my hand looked like this: CREEPY, AWKWARD, SLOW. Not the best hand I know but these people have the weirdest sense of humor, they are all about sarcasm and irony so all my best zingers landed with a thud except with Laurel who thinks I’m funny. But the WORST part was that after I showed my hand Lennon said, “Wow, that’s you in a nutshell, Evan” and everybody except Laurel laughed. That’s when I took my glass of water and got up and went to my room, and Lennon tried to apologize but it was a fake apology, he said he was just joking but I know he wasn’t, he was still laughing with everybody else. So that wasn’t fun, I don’t think I will hang with the other artists anymore no matter whose birthday it is.

BUT the good news is that Laurel and I are supposed to go for a hike tomorrow, I’m pretty excited about that because even though I’ve been hiking in Auschwitz a buncha times I’ve never gone with another person so I wonder what kind of new things I will realize on the journey, you can never tell how another person is going to open your mind or adjust your perspective, that’s why it’s important to find a person whose guts you don’t hate and hang with them and be a loyal friend till the very end.

Which reminds me, Diary, I want to apologize for what I said to you the other day, saying that you are just a vessel for me to stick stories in, so that’s what I’m going to do: I’m sorry Diary that I said you were just a vessel, that’s not true you are my confidant and I’m so glad I started keeping you so I have someone besides Laurel to talk to. I feel like I can tell her most everything but I bet there will be something I can’t talk to her about so it is really good that I have you, I appreciate you Diary and I promise I won’t insult you again, I mean it, you are my friend.

Thanks for listening, goodnight Diary.

Sincerely,

Evan

Evan Allgood's work has appeared in McSweeney's, The Millions, LA Review of Books, The Toast, and The Billfold. He lives in Brooklyn and contributes regularly to Paste. Follow and maybe later unfollow him on Twitter @evoooooooooooo.