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New Hampshire’s Historic All-Female Delegation, as Described by Junot Diaz

New Hampshire recently made history by electing the nation’s first-ever all-female delegation, and since reclusive NH local J.D. Salinger is still not returning my calls (get over yourself, Salinger), I’ve done the next best thing by enlisting the Poet Laureate of Pulchritude, New Jersey native Junot Diaz, to introduce readers to this groundbreaking group.

While he was at it, the notoriously verbose Diaz went ahead and described the Tri-State area’s governors, as well.

NH Senior Senator Jeanne Shaheen (D)

Bitch stays rockin’ red, and those big ass pearls—the kind your ninth grade English teacher had welded to her neck. Back in the day when she was governor she used to hate on gays, but now she practically marches in the parade—chick sponsored the Respect for Marriage Act and voted to repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell; a.k.a. Keep That Maricon Shit On the Down Low.

NH Junior Senator Kelly Ayotte (R) 

Bitch’s got dimples like you wouldn’t believe, a cleft in her chin that would look better on an hombre, and this look in her eye that makes you think she’s cheatin’. Her stance on immigration (pro-Arizona SB 1070, one hundred percent anti-amnesty) would make even your most fearless boy duck into his panic room and piss his Levis. 

NH Representative-Elect Carol Shea-Porter (D) 

Mention the Keystone pipeline in her presence and this bitch will drop you like a bad habit. She might look like the moms from Malcolm in the Middle, but chick ain’t fuckin’ around, especially when it comes to vets and retired folks—even ones as bitter and limp-dicked as your abuelo, sittin’ around in his wifebeater all day, nursing forties and cursing the Mets.

NH Representative-Elect Anne McLane Kuster (D)

Bitch ain’t pretty—looks like they remade Mrs. Doubtfire with Danny DeVito—but she gets shit done, most notably the NH Medication Bridge, which provides free meds to low-income patients, a.k.a. you and everyone you know. Kuster comes from a long line of politicos and spent like two decades as a lobbyist, so you should only cross her if you want your huevos sawed off, scrambled, and fed to you for breakfast.

NH Governor Maggie Hassan (D) 

Don’t let the name fool you; this bitch is whiter than Emma Frost, with a Prince Valiant cut the color of rust. Worse: the expansions she made to New Hampshire’s Anti-Bullying Bill cost you your AIM account. Adios, YuniortheGOAT.

CT Governor Dan Malloy (D) 

Dude likes to run his mouth at the right—crackin’ fat jokes at Chris Christie and callin’ Ron Paul “an idiot.” Seriously? Lot of shit-talk from someone who runs The Nutmeg State.

NJ Governor Chris Christie (R) 

That being said: this dude has the fattest set of hombre-tetas you’ve ever seen. You ever try to snatch a Quizno’s out his hand, he’ll go totally loco on you with a quickness. Cabron so gordo, they’re ‘bout to rename all Jersey’s donut shops Christie Kremes. 

NY Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) 

Dude literally has a hard-on for press conferences.

Evan Allgood's work has appeared in McSweeney's, The Millions, LA Review of Books, The Toast, and The Billfold. He lives in Brooklyn and contributes regularly to Paste. Follow and maybe later unfollow him on Twitter @evoooooooooooo.