Acupuncture After The Apocalypse

Isn’t Being Talked About

Over the weekend, I did some investigating into the other candidates for Mayor. Here’s what I know:

The whole Repub-Demo thing isn’t being talked about at all. Apparently, the Mayor’s position and other municipal offices are considered non-denominational, though that isn’t the word they use. (I can’t think of the proper term.) It’s when the candidates aren’t officially aligned with either party.

Pundits consider Beefcake a genuine contender. Apparently, he photographs well. And before he started selling Omaha Steaks, he was a right-hand man for one of the former Mayors of Chicago, that guy who everyone liked so much and who then shocked us all by committing suicide when he drove his car into the river. (The rumor at the time was that he was about to be indicted for corruption.)

Beefcake’s best-funded opponent is in his forties and gay and used to work as an attorney, back when people still needed lawyers. Since the Apocalypse, he’s been urban farming. He’s your classic nice guy. Bolstered by fresh take on winners and losers, this guy is bound to lose because he is so well-reasoned and compassionate.

That is, he’ll lose unless I help him not to. My strategy is to undermine Beefcake’s campaign from within, and to support the other candidate by feeding him inside information about Beefcake. I have to keep Beefcake’s trust, however.

“Non-partisan,” that’s the word I was trying to think of that means no political parties. Guess I’m going to have to up my political smarts if I’m to become an effective kingmaker.

Jill Riddell is a writer in Chicago. She teaches at the School of the Art Institute and has a weakness for nature, magic, and pennies abandoned in sidewalk cracks.