The Millay Diary

Hitches

Days 10 and 11

Dear Diary,

I know it’s racist to assume that all the short-haired lesbians in San Francisco know each other but I mentioned Amy again yesterday and Laurel said, “Wait a second…” and then it hit her like a bunch of bric-a-bracs, I guess she hadn’t been paying much attention the first time I mentioned Amy because I’m pretty quiet and mumbly sometimes but this time Laurel realized that SHE KNOWS MY SISTER WHOOOOOA at least a little and she seemed kinda freaked out by how big a coincidence it was that they have some mutual friends and things, but Diary the world is so small sometimes it feels like it could fit in your pocket. Anyway it doesn’t seem like Laurel and Amy are best buds or anything and that’s fine but I hope they don’t hate each other’s guts, that would be awkward for me since they are two of the only people I can talk to on a pretty regular basis these days.

Anywho even though I got to page fifty in my script yesterday (I am writing five pages a day, don’t try and stop me Diary!!!!!!) it wasn’t that eventful of a day, today was the eventful one because Laurel and I talked about Heather and she thinks I have a real shot with her so then we came up with this genius plan to get me alone with Heather on the couch so that I could put the moves on her, I’m talking third base at least—hugging and heavy petting. The genius plan was this, Diary: we would ask Heather if she wanted to watch a movie with us and since the drunks were all going to a bar to get drunk and since Jason never leaves his room, it would just be the three of us. Then Laurel would get a Skype call from her ladyfriend thirty minutes into the movie (what are the odds!!!!! LOL) and leave and it would just be me and Heather, and pretty much anytime you’re watching a movie at night with just a girl you KNOW something is going to happen, you might not even REALLY pay attention to the movie because it is just a big loud excuse to sit next to a girl for two hours and then hug and pet her. So that was the plan but you know what they say about making plans, you make them and then people laugh at you because what were you thinking making plans, nothing ever goes off without a hitch not even in those Jason Bourne movies and that guy was specially trained by the flipping CIA.

So my big challenge after I finished writing today was to pick out the perfect flick to watch with Laurel and Heather, I know it might not seem like a big deal since I just said the movie is just a pretense for hugging and stuff but if you pick the wrong one you could really blow it for any number of reasons, here are some of the number of reasons I just mentioned, it’s very important to be specific in your writing in case you didn’t know:

-If the movie’s too good you’re hosed because the girl will be really into it and she will want to hug the director or lead actor instead of you.

-If the movie’s too bad you’re hosed because the girl will think less of you for wanting to watch it and that is a pretty serious turn-off when someone has crappy taste in stuff, I mean if they like bad movies they probably like bad conversations and bad food and bad hugs and stuff too.

-If the movie’s too violent you’re hosed because that sets the wrong tone for the evening, I mean watching a guy get hacked to pieces isn’t exactly a turn-on unless you’re watching the movie with some crazy woman in which case you should probably high-tail it out of there anyway.

-If the movie’s too sad you’re hosed because the girl will get sad.

-If the movie’s too boring you’re hosed because the girl will get sleepy.

Now a lot of fellas might see this list and decide that it’s soooooo obvious what movie to watch to set the tone—a romantic comedy, right? WRONG. Ninety-nine percent of romantic comedies fall under the second category and even if they don’t, they will give the girl an unreasonable expectation of how a guy should look and behave and that makes a normal guy like me look bad. I’m no Eric Bana and I certainly can’t travel through time so The Time Traveling Fiancé is out of the question and that pretty much goes for all other romantic comedies too because I’m no Ryan Gosling or Justin Timberwater either and even though I exercise and stuff you can only see like three and a half of my abs not twelve of them. No the correct answer is to just watch a regular comedy and generate the romance yourself by rolling up your sleeves a little and maybe complimenting the lady. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about the fear-her sex it is that they sure love to laugh and if you can make them laugh you can pretty much do whatever you want with them. So if you stick a funny fat guy on screen then you make the girl laugh which is the best thing you can possibly do AND look thinner and stronger by comparison, suddenly those three and a half abs are looking pretty good huh?

So that is why I chose Louis CK’s standup movie Chewed Up to watch tonight because he is pretty much the undisputed World Heavyweight Champion of Funny right now and even though I hadn’t seen this special I knew it would be a winner because his show and all his other standups are so freaking funny that I always pee myself a little—just a little! Not visible through my jeans or anything, geez, what do you think I am some kind of weirdo? Anyway I used my Netflix password (which is IMPOSSIBLE to crack, go ahead and try I dare you, it’s like trying to guess an invisible person’s weight) to load up the movie and then popped up a buncha popcorn and I had already gotten some of that gross red wine Heather likes because she likes it so that was in the fridge for her and so it seemed like everything would go off without a hitch BUT THAT’S NEVER HOW THINGS GO OFF REMEMBER WHAT I SAID EARLIER????? There are always hitches, Diary. Life is basically a series of hitches, that is why people always say you have to roll with the hitches.

Tonight’s hitches started before the movie even did because Jason was in the kitchen making a ham sandwich the size of Canada which was infuriating for two reasons, one reason is that apparently he has a secret stash of meat he’s not sharing (it has to be in the fridge or else it’d have gone bad—I’m going to find it, Diary) and the other is that if Jason’s in the room I can’t be alone with Heather now can I?!?!?! Of all the nights he’s been here he chose tonight to be social, well that really burned my butt. The bigger hitch though was that apparently in this standup special Louis CK starts off by spouting off a bunch of really offensive words that Laurel and Heather didn’t like at ALL. I don’t want to even write them down but they are three of the worst words in the English dictionary and ones I never say and Laurel and Heather were so upset that they both walked out in the first five minutes, and Laurel asked me how I can watch this stuff which was pretty upsetting because I don’t think we’ve ever fought before but Laurel’s gay so one of those words probably stung pretty bad. Heather told me she wished I’d picked something “more positive” to watch, the only silver lining is that she didn’t even know this was supposed to be a date because it was a CDO (covert dating operation) so maybe she’s not judging me quite as harshly as she would if she’d known what was REALLY going on.

But the whole time my plans were coming apart at the beams Jason was sitting there with his huge ham sandwich just laughing his head off, I mean Louis CK is a total hoot but I’m not crazy about this particular bit and more importantly it had just scared off my best friend and my potential ladyfriend so I was pretty grungry at that point, I mean this was no time to be eating ham sandwiches and roaring like a wild animal, the kind I STILL haven’t seen here at Auschwitz. I spent the next hour and a half drowning my sorrows in a big red bowl of popcorn while Jason took his sweet time eating that sandwich, the whole ninety minutes, Diary, just laughing with a mouthful of pink pork. Normally I don’t like stealing but I am anemic and he hid his meat from me so I am going to take some when he’s not around. I can’t afford to be driving to the grocery store and buying meat all the time, geez Louise, that’s why I add it to the list every week not that anyone seems to notice. Maybe I should be more specific about what kinda meat I want instead of just writing MEAT every week with all those stars and exclamation points next to it, maybe I should say I want thin-cut turkey and thick-cut bacon and nugget-cut chicken because like I said before specifics are important whether you’re writing a feature-length screenplay or a personal diary entry or a grocery list that no one ever seems to read.

Anyway after the movie I went to my room and sent Laurel and Heather a big long apology email so hopefully they won’t still be mad in the morning. I also emailed my sister and told her Laurel knows her and a little bit about our botched plan and the situation here and asked her for advice because girls are hard to understand and because Amy knows girls in general and Laurel specifically, she is a very popular and successful lesbian so maybe she has some kinda insight into how I can smooth things over with Laurel and Heather so Laurel doesn’t hate me and there are no more big hitches in our friendship or my pursuit of Heather which was humming right along really until tonight, honestly I still think this is my best chance at my second girlfriend of all time, Diary, even though tomorrow is Friday the 13th I think my luck is going to change for the better which is the attitude you have to have in this hitch-filled life, it’s like my dad always says—you’re as happy as you make up your mind you wanna be, and I want to be very happy with Laurel and Heather no matter how many hitches or black cats or ladders get in my way.

Thanks for listening, goodnight Diary.

Sincerely,

Evan

Evan Allgood's work has appeared in McSweeney's, The Millions, LA Review of Books, The Toast, and The Billfold. He lives in Brooklyn and contributes regularly to Paste. Follow and maybe later unfollow him on Twitter @evoooooooooooo.